Map-Making 101: Navigating the Apocalypse

Alright, survivors-in-training, listen up! The end of the world is nigh, and you’re thinking, “How the heck do I navigate this post-apocalyptic maze?

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” Fear not, because today we’re delving into the art of map-making – a skill that’s more crucial than knowing which canned goods are the tastiest. So, grab your compass, dust off your sense of adventure, and let’s craft a map that even Indiana Jones would be proud of – casual, comedic, and confidently crafted.
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Step 1: Gear Up Like a Cartographic Boss: Before you embark on your cartographic journey, make sure you’ve got the essentials. A backpack, some paper, a few pens, a compass (because you’re not Magellan), and, of course, a snack – because map-making works up an appetite. If you’re feeling extra adventurous, throw in a hat for that explorer aesthetic.

Step 2: The Great Reconnaissance Mission: Time to channel your inner spy. Sneak around your area, take notes, and observe. Mark down significant landmarks – like that really gnarled tree that looks like it’s flipping off the sky. Note potential resources, danger zones (zombie nests, anyone?), and, of course, spots with good cell reception. Even in the apocalypse, Insta-worthy moments must be documented.

Step 3: Become the Surveyor of Your Domain: Now that you’ve gathered intel, it’s time to survey the land. Use your trusty compass to determine directions and sketch out rough estimates of distances. Imagine you’re on a treasure hunt for survival – X marks the spot where you buried your backup Twinkie stash.

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Step 4: Master the Art of Doodling: No, seriously, doodling is an art. Start sketching out your surroundings with a flair for the dramatic. Mountains don’t just have to be triangles, they can be the Everest of doodles. Lakes? More like majestic amoebas of hydration. The more epic your doodles, the more legendary your map.

Step 5: Code Your Way to Safety: Create a legend for your map. No, not the kind with knights and dragons (unless that’s your apocalypse vibe). Use symbols to represent different features – a skull for danger, a heart for potential allies, and a thumbs-up for that place with surprisingly good post-apocalyptic coffee.

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Step 6: The Nifty North Arrow: Every map needs a North arrow, and yours is going to be the coolest one in the wasteland. Put your artistic skills to the test – a funky arrow, a bold N, or maybe an elaborate design that only you can decipher. Because in the apocalypse, even compasses deserve a touch of flair.

Step 7: Emergency Escape Routes FTW: Think of your map as the GPS of the apocalypse. Mark potential escape routes, hidden passages, and shortcuts. Remember, you’re not just a cartographer; you’re a post-apocalyptic urban planner.

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Bonus points for labeling these routes with dramatic names like “The Expressway to Evasion.”

Step 8: Embrace the Power of Color: Who said maps have to be drab? Grab some crayons or markers and unleash your inner Picasso. Color-code different zones – green for potential resources, red for danger zones, and maybe a nice pastel for the area where you plan to start your post-apocalyptic commune.

Step 9: The Legend of ‘Here Be Mutants’: Let’s face it; there will be mutants, and they need their place on your map. Draw friendly mutant territories, hostile mutant territories, and maybe even a neutral zone where you can negotiate with the more diplomatic mutants. You’re the Lewis and Clark of the mutant world.

Step 10: Laminate Like Your Life Depends On It: Your map is a precious artifact. Protect it like you protect your last can of beans. Laminate that bad boy, so it survives rain, zombie slobber, and any other apocalypse-related liquids. Attach it to your belt, wear it as a cape – just keep it close.

Congratulations, survivor! You’ve just crafted the most epic map in the post-apocalyptic world. With your compass in hand and your map at the ready, you’re now the cartographic hero of the wasteland. So, strap on your adventure boots, channel your inner explorer, and navigate the apocalypse with the swagger of someone who knows that, in the end, the best path is the one you doodle yourself. Happy map-making, wasteland wanderers!

Survival Skills Checklist: First Aid and CPR [Certified CHECK]

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America

Are you fat enough to survive the zombie apocalypse?

Howard Schneider takes an odd look at politicians to determine if they’re fat enough to survive the apocalypse…

Governor of New Jersey at a town hall in Hills...
Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, at a town hall in Hillsborough, NJ 3/2/11 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If they’re super-fit and fat-free, are they better off when the dead rise?

Or would New Jersey’s Republican governor, Chris Christie — the self-proclaimed “healthiest fat guy you’ve ever seen” — fare better in a food-deprived environment with his stored surplus energy?

Might our female politicians — say, a comfortable-in-the-wild Sarah Palin or Iraq veteran Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) — tap their survival skills, as well as women’s generally higher body-fat percentages, and take control?

What about President Obama? Thin, yes, but not in that amped-up way that makes you think he’d fall apart if he had to hunker down for a couple of days without a GNC JackedPack.

[via The Washington Post]

 

Canada

Flooding hits Alberta province, forces 75,000 people from their homes in Calgary

Oh no. Pray for Char and the moose and the other Canadians — even Chad and Avril–, it looks like the earth is rearing up to wash away the plague that is humanity (specifically Canadians)…

[via CNN.com]

 

Great Britain

Official Trailer for Cockneys vs Zombies (Coming to the US August 2nd 2013)

Who’d win in a fight, a zombie or your granddad? What about a race? These are the deep questions that will be answered in the upcoming Cockneys vs Zombies.

COCKNEY
A native of the East End of London, born within hearing of the ringing of the Bow Bells

ZOMBIE
A supernatural power or spell that according to voodoo belief can enter into and reanimate a corpse

SYNOPSIS
The Bow Bells Care Home is under threat and the McGuire’s – Andy, Terry, and Katy – need to find some way to keep their grandfather and his friends in the East End, where they belong. But, when you’re robbing a bank, zombie invasions makes things a lot harder. And let’s face it, they need all the help they can get when their bank-robbing experts turn out to be Mental Mickey and Davey Tuppance. As contractors to an East London building site unlock a 350-year old vault full of seriously hungry zombies, the East End has suddenly gone to hell and the Cockney way of life is under threat. Equipped with all the guns and ammo they can carry, it’s up to the gang to save the hostages, their grandfather, and East London from zombie Armageddon.

[via Hulu]

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Apocalyptic Entertainment: Terra Nova

Fair warning:

I find it hard to get on-board with shows where the first person to die is Unnamed Black Bad Guy. Quickly followed by the group to teenage idiots suffering the serious injuries of Frantic Black Girl Who Flees and Black Guy Who Serves as Useless Main Character’s Shield.

Do you ever watch a new show and get the feeling you shouldn’t get too attached because it won’t last? Thinking in the back of your mind, maybe six other people in the entire world are watching this.

This is how I feel about Terra Nova. I’ll watch for as long as they air it; though I’m not expecting that to be longer than half a season. Why? Because it’s really expensive and just really okay.

The story and characters aren’t so gripping and compelling that I’m forgetting to eat or even forgetting to fold laundry so I can pay full attention.

The family the show focuses on is a family of five and I can only remember the name of the youngest daughter –because she’s a source of conflict by existing. She had maybe five lines, but Mom, Dad, Daughter 1, and Son are just not super engaging.

Continue reading “Apocalyptic Entertainment: Terra Nova”

Being selected by natural selection

Despite what some people think of him and his theories, Darwin was definitely onto something when he came up with natural selection. He was right, too—only those who’ve adapted enough to survive in a particular environment will, well, survive.

If you think about it, post-apocalyptic Earth will be natural selection come to life. People who can’t adapt to their new environment will die. Or they’ll be eaten by zombies, turned into vampires, or assimilated by aliens and/or evil robots. Either way, they won’t be around to share their lack of survival skills.

If you’ve managed to live long enough to get to the post apocalypse (meaning you didn’t die during the apocalypse itself), then you’ve got a leg up already. Congratulations, you’re one of the survivors. But don’t think this means things are going to get easier. Oh no, the hard part’s just begun.

Because now, you have to stay alive.

Good luck with that.

Continue reading “Being selected by natural selection”

Why assumption will get you killed.

There’s a saying ‘To Assume makes an Ass out of U and Me’. I hate that saying, because it’s stupid and because it uses the American ‘ass’ and as far as I’m concerned that’s a donkey. I think that the saying should be ‘Assumptions will mean you starve to death or die of cholera’ but admittedly that’s not very catchy. However, it is much more accurate. Making assumptions probably won’t turn you into a donkey, but it will get you killed.

Continue reading “Why assumption will get you killed.”

Apocalypse preschool: Developing a survival-based curriculum

In child development, the time between infancy and kindergarten is one of the most important. During this time, children learn the basics, like the alphabet and numbers. It’s also when they learn basic (but important) life skills, like how to go to the bathroom in a place other than their pants.

This won’t change after the apocalypse. Those crucial early years will remain just as crucial, though the education system will probably change.

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I imagine it’d be a little tricky to send little Johnny off to school when he’s living the nomadic survivor lifestyle with the rest of his survivor group (or survivor band, or survivor tribe, or whatever you want to call it—personally, I like tribe).

Continue reading “Apocalypse preschool: Developing a survival-based curriculum”

How nerdy pursuits could save your life.

Recently I spent a good proportion of a day in a dark, smoky room, confused by loud noise while other people snuck around and tried to shoot me. What on earth was I doing? I was playing Quasar with some friends, and it struck me that this was remarkably good practice for the end times. Hear me out. It sounds weird, but in a country where guns and assault courses are only really available for the military or over-priced stag weekends, what better? And that made me think about other nerdy or weird pursuits and how they may help with your survival choices.

Continue reading “How nerdy pursuits could save your life.”