Exhaustion- the whiny killer.

Yesterday I went on a long walk with my husband, practicing for the apocalypse. We packed long-dated, easily eaten things and we hunted-gathered while we were there, picking up freshly fallen hazel nuts and eating them along the way.

The problem came on the way home.

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I was so exhausted my eyes were closing of their on accord.

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I could barely walk, although home was only 40 minutes away.

So we ruined the whole thing and stopped off for a pub lunch.

But there will be no pub lunches after the apocalypse. Pub lunches will not exist. So what can a lazy girl like me do?

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Blog awards

I’m going to take a minute out of our heavy schedule of obsessively watching the news for zombie outbreaks to tell you that someone has FINALLY acknowledged how awesome we are by giving the blog an award or two.

They come from over at TheCabinGoddess, who gave us The Versatile Blogger award and the Liebster award.

Neither of them come with any money, but the same part of me that gets happy over achievements on 360 games is giggling and jumping up and down.

But apparently there are rules about being given them and I have to do some meme-y junk. So I’m just going to go ahead and MAKE IT UP.

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A clumsy girl's guide to surviving the apocalypse.

I have recently been talking a lot with fellow Apocalypse obsessive and friend of ICoS, Jess Shanahan. You may remember her from this guest post, and if you saw it, my guest post over at her blog. Anyway, Jess is very like me. We even live nearby, and as a result have started Apocalypse training (running) together.

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One major thing we have in common is this: we are very clumsy girls.

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I can fall over myself, if nothing else is there to trip me up. I have succesfully become injured after spending a whole day in ed in my pyjamas. I got out to go the the loo, wrapped myself in my sheets by accident, and nearly brained myself on the chest of drawers. It’s not normal clumsiness: It’s the type that gets you killed. I mentioned this to Jess, and she said that running outside was clearly a danger to us, as we’d get chased by murderers and trip on a tree root and die, and I thought two things. The first thought was thank FUCK someone else out there is as insane as I am; The second was- with this lethal level of clumsiness, how are we going to survive the apocalypse?

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It would be sods law if after all this preparation I died because I tripped over a shoelace.

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Grieving post apocalypse

It’s a matter of post apocalyptic fact. You are going to lose someone you love. Parents, children, partners- maybe even just a pet. The apocalypse will steal them from you, break your heart. And it won’t just be in the initial chaos of the end of the world- it’ll happen in the back-breaking grind of immediate survival. It’ll even happen when your safe (ish) and settled (ish).

People are going to die, and probably much sooner than you would expect.

And you can’t afford to be distant and prostrate with sorrow. So what can you do?
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It's all gone a bit dystopian out there.

This is going to be an unusually serious post. I debated saying anything- I haven’t touched previous political hot issues, because I don’t think that’s what this blog is about.I also don’t like the sense that in some way I may be profiting (not monetarily, we get nothing for this site, but in terms of new readers) from these awful occurences. But this particular disaster not only hits close to home, but also brings the advice we give here into sharp relief. We may not present our information in a serious way, we may think that serious survivalists will get almost nothing from our site: But we genuinely want you to surive disasters of all kind, and if something we can say can help, we’ll be very glad. So here it goes.

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Knitting: A post-apocalyptic skill you MUST learn.

I’ve decided to learn how to knit. Not just because I want to make my own bloody scarves, but because I think it will be useful.

Of course, to the people who get a little concerned about me when I start yammering on about the end of the world, I’m pointing out the accepted benefits- it’s relaxing, it keeps your hands busy so you snack less, you get a pretty jumper out of the deal, learning new skills keeps the brain sharp- but as with all things, I’m mainly thinking about it’s usefulness post apocalypse.

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So, you're stuck eating insects.

It’s a nasty little fact that if you’re in a survival situation and you’re desperate for food, you’re going to have to eat insects. They’re high in protein and nutrients. I know, I know, your pampered little stomachs are in revolt at the very idea. Well, I’m going to ask you: Whats better? Eating an insect or slowly starving to death? Thought so.
By the way, if you chose starving? You’re an idiot.

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Potential apocalypse alert: Scientists breed hyper-agressive rats.

 

This is how the apocalypse starts people. Right here.  Russian scientists have bred a type of particularly agressive rat. Geneticist Svante Paabo was ‘stunned’ by the agressiveness of the rats, and stated  that he felt that if ’10 or 20′ got out of their cages they ‘would probably kill [him]’

Let’s hope they don’t get out of their cages, huh?

Short Sharp Science: Beyond Room 101: The hyperaggressive rat.

The normal wild rat is a clever creature, typically non-agressive to humans unless there a lot of rats and a weak human.  I shouldn’t need to point out the risks of hyper-agressive rats.

Scientists say that through this research they are discovering genetic links to agressive and timid behaviour. I say they’re planning to take over the world with the use of rats.

So what can you do to survive this one? Well, poison and traps are your first priority. After that get as far from a population centre as possible and ensure your barricades have no gaps rats could get into. If you have time, put chicken wire 8 foot under the ground and ensure your wall and building foundations touch it. After a while, interbreeding with the normal rat population will reduce agressiveness to handleable levels (within about ten years,) and you’re set to rebuild. Good luck!

 

 

Maintaining a healthy relationship post-apocalypse

In most of the western world romantic love is the ideal. From day one we are told it will conquer all, that there is a specific kind of ‘true’ love that overwhelms all obstacles and ensures your safety and happiness. This is a lie. Love exists, but a happy and successful relationship post-apocalypse will need a lot more than just love.  I decided to talk about how to keep yourself- and your relationship- alive and healthy in the hellish future.

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Lets talk for a bit about the sort of love we’re told to expect by the media. This love is wild, dramatic. It happens when two people who seem to really dislike each other meet in a stressful circumstance. Regardless of how incompatible they are, they fall in love, which makes it great. Because that totally works in real life. If you’ve had more than one or two relationships I shouldn’t need to tell you this is nonsense. That kind of ‘love’ rarely lasts, and is rarely healthy or supportive when it does. More to the point, if required to survive, it will get you killed.

Picture this. You are hunting for food. Just you and your lover. Awww. But you disagree on which way to go! Your hollywood-approved belligerent sexual tension means you argue, and snipe at each other over which way to go. You’re distracted- so distracted you don’t hear the threat sneaking up on you. BAM. You’re now slaves to a set of raiders. How could you have solved this? Well, several ways, but for the purposes of this post we’ll talk about the ideal Apocalypse survival relationship skills.

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Post Apocalypse Jobs

Everyone should have a role post-apocalypse. In an ideal position, your pre-apocalypse skills should inform what you end up doing after the worst has happened, but it might not. I mean, I sit on my arse and make stuff up write, so what on earth can I do? Well, if I was in a job interview, I’d tell you I could think outside the box and come up with creative answers to problems, but post apocalypse it’s really the nitty gritty everyday stuff we need.

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I’ve decided to list some of the most common jobs and tasks you’ll need people to perform post apocalypse. I’m ignoring things like farming and scavenging as they require more detail than I can give in list format, and everyone knows about them (and if they don’t, they deserve to die).

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