Post-Apocalyptic People To Kill

Come the chaos of the apocalypse, people are going to die. Maybe en masse. Maybe slowly, but surely. Maybe by accidents. But definitely by murder. And that’s okay.

Every so often we’ll need to kill some fool who just refuses to act right or find their way to our good side. Congrats, Fool. You’re going to be an example; your life officially has meaning.

Examples of totally justifiable post-apocalyptic times to kill some folks:

Cheerleaders By prc1333
Photo Credit: prc1333

A.      The other day I saw school bus in the city and a squad of cheerleaders loading themselves onto it. That was weird. No sports team requiring encouragement, just a bus full of high school cheerleaders.

I, and a number of others, looked on quizzically. “hmm, that’s unusual,” we thought collectively.

But then there were a few others who were looking on not quizzically but lustfully.

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Grown ass men stared with their mouths agape to allow unencumbered panting as their eyes bugged, unblinking and their brows quirked expectantly.

Expectantly? What the fuck were they expecting?

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A strong wind? A well-timed tumble? A panty apocalypse paired with a strong wind and a well-timed tumble?

a.      In an apocalypse situation, that brightly colored band of super-coordinated bitches look like a heard of wounded baby gazelle to the men of the city playing the part of oversized, hungry Serengeti cats.

b.      In the post-apocalyptic world, from the first offence, this cheer squad will need to make an example of some fool to prevent further attempts at victimization.

§  They’ll need to start uglying themselves up a bit or become the most feared tribe in the land.

·        (Alternatively, they could take their chances just wandering the wasteland until they become the starter set for some pimp looking to open a brothel—at least they’d have shelter…)

                                                               i.      A group of men, probably five or so, will take the leering to the next level and call out to the cheer squad. Something, rude and suggestive about anatomy, biology, or gender dynamics.

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                                                             ii.      The men will follow the girls explaining how the world isn’t safe for ladies as lovely as these.

1.       Being teenagers, they’re used to come-ons and unwanted advances and they know to ignore them with purposeful, switched walks and hair flipping.

                                                            iii.      One man will realize that law and order have gone to the wayside and it’s about time his manners and morals did as well.

1.       He’ll put his naturally stronger physique into action and grab little Jenny by the wrist.

a.       She’s always lagging behind because she’s stupidly short and her thighs rub together when she walks.

                                                                                                                                       i.      But she’s a great flyer and her mom makes amazing fat free lemon bars.

2.       Jenny gasps and struggles a bit. “Let me go, dick,” she says incredulously.

3.       “I’ll show you dick,” The Brazen Man will reply with a sneer and a vulgar grab of his crotch.

                                                           iv.      This is where Cristin comes in.

1.       Cristin, for our purposes, is either

a.       The Head Cheerleader, or

b.      A Psychotic Bitch with the beauty of the goddess Aphrodite herself

2.       Cristin either

a.       Has a weapon

                                                                                                                                       i.      Always a good option

                                                                                                                                     ii.      Something blunt and weighted but not so heavy that it’s clumsy


b.      Is bare-fisted

                                                                                                                                       i.      A dangerous option

                                                                                                                                     ii.      Fantastic for dramatic effect

                                                             v.      Cristin will enter the conversation with a single strike to The Brazen Man’s semi-hard groin.

1.       He genuinely though he was getting in…

                                                           vi.      As he goes down, she’ll hit him again with an upward strike to his face.

                                                          vii.      Now, while the other men are a bit taken aback and the most aggressive of the bunch is wounded, our Cheer Squad must follow through with their tribal persona.

                                              Here, The Cheer Squad has options:

1.       They encircle the men, forming a tight cheering wall of satisfied, eager faces while Cristin beats the man to death (Lord of the Flies style—“Kill the Pig.”)

a.       She must kill him to be taken seriously

b.      The post-apocalyptic world is no place for mercy

The men in the circle are terrified Witnesses and Bystanders.

a.       Bystanders deserve to die

a.       They were bad friends to The Brazen Man

b.      They would have let The Brazen Man have his way with The Squad

                                                                                                                                                               i.      They’ll have probably joined him

b.      Witnesses are useful

a.       They’ll spread you’re lore and legend

They do not let the men go. They let the men Escape with their lives.

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2.      They, straight-faced (maybe with twitching smiles or hints of admiration beneath the surface), watch on as Cristin not only beats the man to death, but also removes some vital and identifiable part of his body

a.       Head

b.      Heart

c.       Penis

They do not let the men go. They let the men Escape with their lives.

3.       Last option, Teamwork!

a.       These bitches are used to coordinated feats of awesomeness and there are fifteen to twenty of them to the five (four and a half) men.

b.      Growling and snarling like they’re infected with The Rage Virus, they need to get in there and fuck shit up.

                                                                                                                                       i.      Gouging eyes

                                                                                                                                     ii.      Face cutting

                                                                                                                                    iii.      Genital mutilation

c.       They can kill a few of the men, but at least one needs to escape with his life and serious scaring.

B.      That asshole who never give up his seat on the train

a.       Or, worse, leaves his bag on the seat denying the comfort to the woman who’s 12 months pregnant and carrying a screaming toddler as tears slowly stream down her face

                                                               i.      He can’t hear the toddler over the sound of his coffee slurping or his too-loud shitty ear buds forcing everyone to listen to all the words to the Metallica knock off he’s pretending to be so into so he won’t have to make eye contact with the mother or her stomach that keeps poking him in the forehead.

b.      As soon as the toxic gas starts spreading and an out is visible, that dick is getting kicked right in the face to ensure he stays put so Miserable Mommy and the Terrible Toddler can trample over his limp body to get to safety.

                                                               i.      Do they make boots with “Karma” written in the tread?

1.       If yes, I want them for just such occasions.

C.      Some people you’ll just see and think, “I’m worth more than you, and so is that friendly vagrant who say’s ‘Good Morning’ to me every day like he means it.”

a.       Come the post-apocalypse, if no one’s looking (shit, sometimes even if people are looking but you’ve established a convincingly badass persona for yourself), you’ll get to kill these people and it might be considered community service.

                                                               i.      Or personal branding

                                                             ii.      Or an effective measure of “Would you ever…?”

5 thoughts on “Post-Apocalyptic People To Kill

    1. Yes! have they made that movie? Tarantino might have… I’d watch it.

      Or conceal handguns behind/inside the pom-poms.

  1. I enjoyed the article, but I don’t have to tell you that you come off a bit psychotic. And that’s okay with you, because, as you made clear, your only focus is practicality and not empathy. However, in terms of practicality, your principle is still a bit flawed. Surviving the apocalypse doesn’t just mean you; it means the survival of the human race. Humans are the most valuable resource and you can’t just go knocking them off because you consider them “worth less than you”.

    1. I suppose but I also suppose there are some people more valuable dead than alive. People who make others feel unsafe for instance. Also, if they can’t pull their own weight and generally suck, I think they’ve devalued themselves.

      And I think the sounding psychotic just goes with the territory when you write hyperbolic “advice” for surviving hypothetical apocalypses. You’ll probably notice some mind-boggling inconsistencies in our stances about stuff and things…

    2. I concur with you about the need for the human race to survive. An interesting question to ask ourselves is “Who makes the decision about survival of the fittest”, unlike during evolution, when nature made the decision? Would the survivors of the apocalypse be ‘rational’ enough to make these decisions?

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