Lazy Survival


I’m writing this from my couch. My couch is where I sit when I get home from work. Work is where I sit all day and do tasks via conversation or computer between trolling the internet for comics and accessories and taking coffee brakes.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I live a lazy life. I can exercise, but I don’t really — I only run to a) find out what’s happening in Zombies, Run! or b) because I feel guilty and worry about atrophy.

Being the lazy loaf that I am does not mean I’ll die in the apocalypse. On the contrary, I means I’m more likely to be in my home safe from harm because I don’t go out much and then die after the apocalypse because I don’t know how to care for myself and can’t run up stairs.

However, today I realized something: You don’t need to die because you’re too lazy to run for your life, you just need to know what the alternative is to both running AND dying. (It’s hiding.)

I’ve come up with some strategies that can help you in your lazy or cowardice survial efforts.

1. Key Cards

If you’re in the city and there are bodies all over the place, check the address of where you are and start going through people’s pockets. Many buildings will require an electronic key card to get in. But they all look the same, either the little grey key chains or the thick white cards. How will you know which key accesses which building?! Business cards. People carry their business cards in their wallets with their ID and sometimes even stuff in that access card. Congrats, you’ve just found yourself a secure location without needing to move a single heavy object.

2. The Back Door in the Mall

I worked at the mall when I was in high school. It was awful and fun and smelly. Wait, why was the mall smelly? Because in no mall in the world would you  take the trash through the front of the store. Mall stores all have back doors that lead to a hallway where some deliveries come through and all trash goes out — these hallways can get a bit smelly if you work by the food court. There are elevators which require keys to operate and doors to other stores (Stores with food, clothing, and entertainment.) which may or may not have locked doors. Also, when people (mindless zombies or otherwise) search stores, they — for some strange reason — only seem to search the front of stores. Not the storeroom that’s usually as big if not bigger than the store and not the break room where you’d find food, medical supplies, and the personal items of the people no longer in the store. Items like keys to the front gate, the back door and the elevator.

3. Wait Patiently

Whenever we have a fire drill at work and we’re all crowded in the parking lot or I see herds of people running from danger in the movies I think this crowd seems to be the least safe place to be. Rather than take your chances getting trampled or getting picked off or not being able to get your share of oxygen, just be the weird loner and hang back or off to the left and observe. No one desperately needs you huddled up with 150 of your co-workers. Who has ever actually been counted at a fire drill? Say you’re not feeling well and sit alone on the bench across the street. If everyone is running for their life down Main St. slip down that ally or side street and either wait patiently for the chaos to subside or take the long way around. It won’t be as long if you’re not tripping over people or being tossed into the belly of an alien.

Do you have any lazy (or cowardice) tips you can share?


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