Apocalypse maybe: 2012 arrives

Happy new year, everyone! Welcome to 2012!

Now, we all know that 2012 will be a banner year for apocalypse theorists, conspiracy theorists, paranoid freaks, not-so-paranoid freaks, paranoid non-freaks, and, well, you get the idea.

Unfortunately for everyone who wants to see the world explode on December 21, NASA has debunked all the (popular) apocalypse predictions. Not that that will stop any of them from proclaiming the end is near, but hey, at least you’ve got yet another article in your arsenal when you point out why they really need to quit buying all those cans of Spam. In case you want to get into an argument with any of the doomsday types, that is. (Personally, I don’t. It just gives me a headache.)

We’re going to be hearing a lot from the conspiracy/apocalypse theorists, and they’re likely going to be talking about the same thing. For a quick recap on what they’re probably going to be talking about, here’s a list of the most popular doomsday predictions.

(Warning: Contains more silliness than usual.)

Rogue planet Nibiru

Also known as Planet X, this lovely secret planet is supposed to be hiding on the other side of the sun, where it’s been hiding for, um, a long time. On December 21, 2012, it’s supposed to pop out from the cozy comfort of the sun and smash Earth into smithereens. Oh, those devious planets and their sneak attacks.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…a planet?”

Planetary alignment

I’ve heard this one a couple different ways. One possibility is that all the planets in the solar system will align with the sun, and that’s supposed to end the world somehow.

The other possibility is that this alignment will line up the Earth with the center of the galaxy, whereupon the planet will be sucked into the Milky Way’s central black hole. I guess this could be likened to a gamma ray burst, which has the ability to blow stuff up from several hundred/thousand/billion light years away.

Honestly, I’d be more worried about a gamma ray burst. But that’s just me.

“Hey, you know what really sucks?”

“The black hole that’s eating us right now?”

Earth pole switch

We’ve all seen the movie 2012 (or was I the only one who saw it?), which brought this particular theory to the mainstream. You know, the theory where Earth’s north and south magnetic poles magically switch in one apocalypse-inducing moment, causing all sorts of havoc. (Another variant is the flipping of the geographic poles, which, you know, mark the planet’s axis.)

Unless the moon decides to go on strike, Earth’s geographic poles won’t switch (thanks to the moon’s stabilizing presence). The magnetic poles do switch, but over a few millennia. And I don’t think it does anything beyond causing the need to recalibrate compasses. Which might be a pain in the ass, since I’d have to figure out my GPS all over again.

“Why are there penguins in the Arctic?”

“Since when does Santa live at the South Pole?”

Asteroid impact

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. And sure, there’s always Asteroid Apophis, though that’s not due for a visit for another seventeen years. Other than Apophis, there aren’t any other near-Earth objects big enough to have the potential to, you know, destroy the planet. (And Apophis technically isn’t even “near” yet.)

“Hey, is that a kite?”

“Do they make rock-shaped kites?”

Other theories

Of course, the four I’ve listed aren’t the only theories floating around. I’m sure there are as many theories as there are theorists. (I guess everybody wants to have a shot at being The Prophet.)

What other theories have you heard? List them in the comments!

“Did the Oracle give you any more end of the world predictions?”

“Yeah, I wrote them down. Here’s the list.”

(Note: Post image from survivalguide2012.org)



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