5 Tips for (neurotic) Survival On a Boat

Last week I spent seven days on a boat and couldn’t stop thinking about the derelict barges in Orchid. Sure I was on a cruise to Bermuda and I drank a lot of Bud Lite Limes and mudslides and piña colada, but I was ever vigilant.

I’m not sure if I’d want to spend generations on a ship.

No, I’m sure, I would not want it.

See in Orchid there were Rape Gangs on the barges. And Cannibals. And the fun goes on. But the best part? You’re better off on the boat!

There were days where we couldn’t see land in any direction. What a frightening, tiny feeling.

Have you seen Prometheus? If no, do that and you’ll understand my unease.

Even though it was a vacation and a choice, I couldn’t help but see it as being stranded, trapped on a boat. I read the safety guides and noted the locations of life boats. And then I lost my glasses. Oh god, being on vacation and in a semi-scary location without the luxury of being able to see everything clearly is nerve wracking.

5 ways to make a week on a boat (cruise ship) easier on the mind:

1. A compass

A plain ole magnetic compass. the most disquieting thing about being on a cruise is that at some point you can’t see land in any direction, you have no cell signal, and you’re just trapped on a floating hotel with a bunch of drunks and geriatrics.

There’s something reassuring about the basics of a compass. It can be trusted. So, if at some point you get that tiny feeling and need to remind yourself which direction land is in, check your standard, no nonsense, no charging necessary compass and rest assured you’ll be back on dry land some day as long as you know where to find it.

2. Extended wear contact lenses

Not worrying about where your glasses are or if your expensive prescription sunglasses will fall off your face will save you a lot of time and woe. If you’re worried about needing to grab your stuff and go in a hurry or bob about in the water, you might want to invest in some contacts.

Keeping in mind that a bathroom on boat, even a cruise ship, is fairly small and hard to maneuver in, it makes sense to invest in some extended wear lenses for the week of the trip.

I’m not a eye doctor/care professional/ or anyone who knows the ins and out of eyeballs and vision. Check with your eye doctor and see if you can get some.

Even if you aren’t a contacts person I suggest it. I had a trial pair just for the day of my wedding and it was a great idea. I’m to chaotic to have them all the time but for one day (or one week) it worked for me.

Also, there are a lot of promotions intended for people who regularly wear contacts to wear try this brand or that and you could end up seeing clearly for free!

3. Knowing how to swim or how to admit you can’t

I’m not a strong swimmer. Actually, I’m really good at not drowning. Some might blame it on my blackness, others on my lack of coordination. Either way, I let people know. If you think I’m drowning, I very well might be, check in often. It’s okay to admit your weaknesses but more important to be able to compensate for them.

If there are life vests to be had, I find them and try them on or wear them if it’s suggested[1. Not at the beach like a tool bag].

I should just learn to swim but…

4. Bring some non-perishable food and your own water

Oh dear god the amount of food on a cruise is staggering. Upon my return I was excited to hear my stomach growling. The cruise line goes to great lengths to ensure the highest standards of food preparation on-board the ship, but what if…

Also, what if, what if the apocalypse hits or an EMP takes out your electronics when aliens send their first wave?

Whatever the case, you’ll want to be able to have a few options for food you know you can eat and you know won’t go bad and water you know is clean and free of alien microbes/parasites/hallucinogenics.

5. Pay attention to the safety guidelines

When the titanic hit that iceberg everyone ran for their lives. Well, on a ship, there’s only so far you can run until you have to try a new strategy. Fortunately for you, all the right moves have been outlined and diagrammed with pictures and the people working on the ship are required to be more that happy to explain them to you.

Unlike in the past, when poor people didn’t deserve to live, cruise ships today must have enough life-saving bells and bobs for every single person on-board and they’re required to make a honest and thoughtful effort to educate you on that life-saving what-have-you.

Some people will choose not to listen because they’d rather sun bathe by the pool. That’s  cool, you can die confused and sunburned while I climb into this life boat wearing my safety vest.

Review: Orchid Volume 1 (Dark Horse)

When I first heard about Orchid (blurb and facts are down below), the brain child of Rage Against The Machine‘s Tom Morello, I had low expectations. Admittedly, I thought he was already skilled in one area, music, what were the chances he would be skilled in another completely unrelated one, comics.

I’d read interviews and press releases that made me think Orchid would be a heavy-handed political and social diatribe vilifying politicians and the rich and babying the rest of us, barely held together with pictures– pretty much a Chick Tract for social revolution.

When I finally got my hands and eyes on Orchid Volume 1[1. A copy of this title was provided for review by Dark Horse Comics.] I found myself wrapped up in a fast-paced action-adventure starring the quirky and blindly optimistic nerd, Simon, and the surly whore, Orchid, with nothing and everything to lose.

Volume one, covering issues 1-5, is a proper set up of the characters and why we should care about them. This post-apocalyptic world is vast, feeling vaster than the current world at times.

The first couple issues start with historical exposition set over elaborate, intricate scenes. I was reading on my kindle fire and often found myself zooming in to see what all was going on. Tom Morello (writer) and Scott Hepburn (artist) brought this somewhat over done setting new life. From fascinating creatures roaming the wild to the concept of people spending generations on “the derelict barges,” it all felt fresh and exciting.

But once the characters took center-stage it was hard to notice much else– though the art stays well done throughout– with the snappy dialogue and constant progress.

Orchid, Simon, and The Mask (this is an actual, literal mask but with so much legend and power it is pretty much a character in its own right) face more than their fair share of foes and near misses. At some points the adventuring hits a lull and I realized this is seriously heavy, seriously sad, and just generally serious.

That’s one of the greatest things about Orchid; it takes the path of children’s stories and parables, the lesson and the story work so well together that I didn’t realize I was being taught.

I was attached to the story and the characters and the world as not only a fantastic place but also the home of these people who deserved better. Before I knew it, after experiencing their world, watching their struggles, triumphs, and failures, and even getting a glimpse at the antagonists, I’d joined their revolution.

Almost every character — the exception being some villains who do seem to be more symbolic power hoarders than individuals– is fleshed out with a back story, from being a simple bridge folk whore to a nerd who wouldn’t be so out of place elsewhere where he was a slave specially trained because of his aptitude[2. I thought Simon was a time traveler when he was first introduced, until his manner of being was explained away sufficiently enough to re-suspend my disbelief].

You’ll be hard pressed to read Orchid and not to be moved or inspired on some level. Maybe simply by Simon’s unwavering courage and idealism, maybe by Orchid as a strong woman, or even by one of the “villains[3. Issue #5 SPOILER: I’m not willing to call Don Barrabas an actual villain so much as a survivor/victim/pawn who aligned with a man, Tomo Wolfe, willing to do right by him to accomplish much greater wrongs.]” who was somewhat of an ugly duckling (if the ugly duckling turned out to be a duck hunter-chef).

Sure, you might not feel you’re now expertly educated about class warfare or moved to “damn the man, save the empire.” But I can definitely say through Tom Morello telling Orchid’s story I felt heard, and seen, and important as a woman, and a person of color, and a nobody with no power or clout. Generally, as a person with things that can be or have been used to marginalize me. In Orchid, all those things that they use against us were the building blocks to make powerful characters, powerful ideas.

At the end of most comics the writer includes a short essay about their thoughts on the work. While I don’t really I care about nearly any issues, including class, in the real world, the passion Tom Morello shows for this project and this message is the kind of passion that can only create great things.

I’ve always been drawn to epic tales. Beowulf, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars. But for me, there was always something missing. I could never entirely get behind the goal. “C’mon, subjects! Let’s get the king back on the throne!” Or “To arms, vassals! Let’s return the princess to glory!” In my book, kings and princesses are the bad guys. But what was really missing from these epic tales was the unspoken but ever present dirty five-letter word: CLASS. Who rules and why? Who has a lot and who has nothing? And why the hell doesn’t somebody do something about it?! In Orchid the cool monsters, the narrow escapes, and epic battles are front and center, but somebody finally does something about the remorseless inequality that mirrors our own world. And that somebody is Orchid.

Orchid is successful as something new and different, something intriguing and engaging, and something worth reading.

I’d stand up to The Hangman for it.

[rating:5/5]

 

The facts about Orchid Volume 1 direct from Dark Horse:

When the seas rose, genetic codes were smashed. Human settlements are ringed by a dense wilderness from which ferocious new animal species prey on the helpless. The high ground belongs to the rich and powerful that overlook swampland shantytowns from their fortress-like cities. Iron-fisted rule ensures order and allows the wealthy to harvest the poor as slaves.

Delve into the first chapter of Orchid, the tale of a teenage prostitute who learns that she is more than the role society has imposed upon her.

CREATORS

Writer: Tom Morello
Artist: Scott Hepburn
Colorist: Dan Jackson
Cover Artist: Massimo Carnevale

Genre: Action/Adventure

Publication Date: July 11, 2012
Format: FC, 112 pages; TP, 7″ x 10″
Price: $17.99
Age range: 14
ISBN-10: 1-59582-965-2
ISBN-13: 978-1-59582-965-8