Swanky Survival Recipes: Three course meal made from non-perishable food

I consider myself a foodie. Not one of those “I only eat organic at the hippest of restaurants” type foodie. But the kind that genuinely loves food in all its glorious forms; organic food, junk food, fried food, sweet food, salty food and of course, canned food.

When my dear friend, Tavia,  presented the following challenge, I knew I could open a can of whoop ass on it.

You’re the cook in the post-apocalypse party and so far the extent of your preparation and presentation has been finding food that hasn’t expired, popping the top, and handing it over. It’s the end of the world and people are too hungry to complain about any food they get. Though they’re not yet ready to resort to eating pets or people, a constant diet of thing from a can has grown old and increased irritability. The next two people served a can of beans with two forks in it will promptly open a can of whop ass.

You can prevent this. You can take those scavenged foods and prepare not only necessary nutrients but a delicious meal.

Not one to back away from a challenge, I labored over a menu for almost 2. 5 months (well, I actually was really excited for a day and then got lazy and forgot about it until this morning).

Nonetheless,  I’ve come up with a menu that is both intriguing and delicious, if I do say so myself.

Here goes:

Starter: Three Bean Salad with Lemon Vinaigrette

Main Course: Wild Alaskan Salmon Cakes and Fire Roasted Chipotle Lime Sweet Potatoes

Dessert: Grilled Pound Cake with Honey-Pineapple Sauce and Vanilla Crème

Let me break it down for you.

First, did you know that canned salmon is a thing?

And it’s actually pretty good. So, take your can of wild caught Alaskan salmon, bread crumbs and mayonnaise (yes, it’s not exactly nonperishable but an unopened jar is good for like a billion years so it’s fine). Simply mix together and form into patties. If you’re feeling crazy, you could start a fire, find a flat metal contraption and pan sear them. Either way, delicious.

Next, the sweet potatoes. Again, canned sweet potatoes are a real and delicious thing. The best part is that they’re pre peeled, roasted and bathed in sugary syrup- it’s like they were made specifically for the post apocalypse. Anywho, take your canned sweet potatoes and drain the syrupy goodness (it’s totally fine to drink it from the can, no judgment here). Place sweet potatoes in bowl and cover with canned chipotle peppers and lime juice concentrate. Allow to marinate for an hour, then place sweet potatoes on twigs and roast over open fire. They’ll get a nice black char and smell heavenly.

Our three bean salad is easy. Mix cans of garbanzo, kidney and pinto beans in a bowl. Dress with lemon juice concentrate and olive oil, if you can get your hands on it.

Now, for the most important dish we have to get a little creative. We’ll need:
Canned pineapple (in syrup)
Powdered sugar

First, slice the Twinkies lengthwise, carefully scoop out vanilla filling and set aside in separate container. Grill twinkle cakes (henceforth to be called pound cake) over open fire until lightly browned.  Mix together honey and canned pineapple juice to form sauce. Drizzle over pound cake and vanilla crème. Sprinkle powdered sugar over dish and serve.

And that, my friends, is how you feed a foodie– post-apocalyptic style.

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