Don't be Fat… Or Do.

This isn’t about how I saw some obese person in the mall and thought to myself, “I’d never want a fat person in my apocalypse party because they’ll ruin everything.

No, this is about me being a chunk monster and realizing that I’m at a huge disadvantage and might want to either do something about it or look it in the eye and acknowledge it while planning my survival.

Jamie, Anninyn and Char have talked about getting fit for the apocalypse by running, walking and learning to fight. I talk about social manipulation and staying pretty…

It’s not that I don’t value physical fitness; it’s that I’m really bad at it.

That’s the saying after all: Write what you know.

I know about being chubby and weird and kind of good looking if I put some work in.

The problem is being fat, unlike being Black or a woman or Gay or ugly, is a very real disadvantage in an apocalypse. Not only because you’ll be less physically fit than your fellow survivors but also because everything about survival becomes infinitely harder.

A few things I know I’ll have to consider as a fat girl in the post apocalypse:

  1. It’s harder to hide when you’re fat. I have a friend who is fit enough to run for miles and a friend who is super bendy and slim and could probably fit in a filing cabinet comfortably. I on the other hand would get eaten.
  2. Thrifting is no longer one size fits all when you’re fat. When you’re plus-sized the chances of finding something perfect for you when picking through someone’s left over clothes when they die or while you’re looting their house are, for lack of a better word, slim.

Up north you’ll need a winter jacket or some sweaters or some high boots, these are all things that are vital but difficult to acquire the way a size 6 party member would. (Boots might be in your size, but fat girls know all about having fat calves)

  1. No everyone’s going to fit on that, fatty. Be it a boat or an elevator or a rickety bridge everyone’s doing the math and your fat ass is either going first or last because things aren’t meant to hold that much weight. As soon as Maximum Capacity comes into play, the fat kid is lower down than the racist.

I know my limp body won’t be carried (cradle the baby style) as a strapping young man runs through a horde of zombies and another covers his Six. That’s not how big girls roll. Big girls need to carry weapons they can put their girth behind like axes and hammers. Big girls need war paint and a mean sneer so when the talk turns to who to leave behind they’re all too scared to say her name.

I’m not even kind of scary though and I have almost no upper body strength to I’m going to need to tilt one way or the other to really round out[1. Okay that pun was totally intentional] my survival plan.

I’m strongly considering dieting and exercise and getting Zombie Fit or just practicing running from zombies in Zombies, Run! so I not only have a fighting chance but also a social chance… but, shit I love cake.

5 thoughts on “Don't be Fat… Or Do.

  1. I’m still pretty fat (carrying around a stone or so (14lb) more than I ‘should’ which bloody well shows when you’re short) but the plus side of the apocalypse is that will come off pretty fast.

    Also, I have discovered that this chubby chick can walk quite far and run quite fast, even if I will have to pack lanacaine anti-chafing cream in the go bag, just in case.

    And if anyone makes it a problem for me in the wastes, I can just eat them.

  2. Get a rocketlauncher and be done with it. 😀 Also disappointed no-one has mentioned that extra chub will serve you better when you are stuck with no food for weeks at a time.

  3. Getting zombie fit can have its disadvantages too! I’m now stuck in one position because I can’t move my head or back from doing the ropes at my bootcamp the other day! Couldn’t even turn round to see the zombie coming for a chomp! Although doing all this exercise does afford me to eat a shit load of cakes and cookies and butter and white bread and chips and……..

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