Recap: Under the Dome Episode 13


Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 13, the season finale, of Under the Dome (titled “Curtains”). Do NOT read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

First of all, HALLELUJAH this show is DONE. Time to celebrate!

Second of all, what the holy hell WAS that?! To the writers of this show, that was a terrible season finale. Terrible. I just…I can’t even… Did everyone go batshit?

So. The episode opens with the Baby Dome Posse, plus Carolyn and Linda, standing over the baby dome. Inside, the butterfly hatches. The Baby Dome Posse are all amazed because ZOMG this means that the monarch will be revealed!

Then the butterfly tries to get out, and each time it hits the baby dome, that part of the dome turns black. And THEN the big dome ALSO turns black. As in, completely opaque. It’s like midnight in there.

Linda’s really confused, because she has no freaking clue what’s going on (which seems to be her regular mindset, to be honest). Joe and Norrie tell her that they think the egg inside the baby dome is what’s powering the big dome. Which turns out to be a really stupid thing to do, because this is when Linda decides to grow a spine and is all “This is now POLICE property! DO NOT TOUCH!” Of course then she touches the dome, which promptly zaps her into unconsciousness. Because the dome’s protective like that.

But! Before she has her little nap, she calls for backup. Which is also a stupid thing to do, because now our resident psychotic megalomaniac, Big Jim, has just discovered where the egg is. (God, Linda, you are such a terrible judge of character. You worship Big Jim, who is seriously trying to be Lex Luthor or something, and you think Barbie’s the bad guy. Really?)

The three remaining members of the Baby Dome Posse take the dome and hide it while Linda’s passed out. (Remember, we last saw Angie with Julia. She wasn’t with the Posse.) Big Jim shows up at Ben’s house just as Linda’s waking up. Linda, giddy at having discovered that the baby dome is powering the big dome, tells Big Jim that this is their chance to bring down the dome. Big Jim, of course, is like, “Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” Because if the dome came down, he’d lose his corrupt kingdom and we CAN’T have that. Otherwise he’d have completely wasted his time at the Two Dimensional School for Wannabe Archvillains. All that tuition money…

While we’re on the subject of Big Jim, he’s annoyed that Barbie gave a not guilty plea when he was looking forward to burning him at the stake (or something). Big Jim tries some lame blackmail/threatening scheme, which Barbie basically laughs at. So Big Jim threw a temper tantrum and decided to build a gallows (or a scaffold, whatever you want to call it).

A GALLOWS. Because it’s the nineteenth century, yo.

Anyway. The Baby Dome Posse hide out in the cement factory (all traces of Maxine’s fight club thing are conveniently now gone). Joe broadcasts their location to Angie over the police radio, but he does it in a way that tells Big Jim nothing, which made me happy and Big Jim really pissed off. So Angie meets them there with Barbie and Julia in tow, and Junior of course tries to shoot Barbie. (Because shoot first, arrest later.) Julia tells the truth about who shot her (crazy jealous Maxine), but Junior doesn’t believe her. Because of course he doesn’t. Otherwise the episode would be a lot shorter. You know.

The Posse touches the baby dome, which promptly turns to dust and disintegrates. Convenient, that. In the midst of the dust, they find the butterfly. Sadly, it’s dead. But wait! No it isn’t! Because Norrie touches it and she apparently has super healing abilities! The butterfly flies off to Barbie, and Joe’s all smug in his I-told-you-so speech. Junior refuses to believe it, because Junior refuses to believe anything these days. The egg starts glowing and shaking (along with the factory) because I don’t know, maybe it’s mad that the Baby Dome Posse is too stupid to realize who the real monarch is.

Who is, apparently, Julia. She picks up the spasming egg, which immediately calms down because mommy!

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Then the butterfly flies over and lands on her hands. Ta-da! The monarch.

Junior, of course, refuses to believe it. Because he refuses to believe anything that doesn’t revolve around him. Or something.

Meanwhile, Big Jim has sent Linda to go look for the baby dome (she makes a good peon, that one). He comes across a gathering at the church and realizes that the residents are losing their shit because the dome’s now black and opaque. The residents are all, “OMG THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS!” and they’re convinced it’s the end times, though quite possibly without the Second Coming.

Aside: I thought the apocalypse was supposed to come with the four horsemen and the seven seals and all that? But hey, maybe the apocalypse has different rules in the dome.

Anyway. Big Jim decides he’s going to be the town’s reverend because why the hell not? He’s already the police chief, mayor, and judge (he’s not doing it out of guilt because he killed the previous reverend).

Over in Joe’s barn, Linda discovers the pink stars the Posse painted a few episodes ago. She radios Big Jim and tells him that the line “Pink stars are falling in lines” has been painted into the barn’s wall. And then Big Jim remembers his wife’s paintings from before she drove into a tree.

And then, megalomaniac that he is, he’s convinced that the dome is his DESTINY. Which he also tells Junior when Junior shows up to tell him that the Baby Dome Posse want to kill him. And then he tells Junior that he killed people to protect the town, because he’s altruistic like that. And Junior, for some random reason, has decided to actually care what Big Jim says and falls for the whole destiny crap Big Jim is spouting.

Also, Junior wanted to give the egg to his dad. The others, predictably, decide otherwise. Julia throws the egg to Angie, who takes off running. Barbie decides to distract Junior by tackling him WHEN HE IS HANDCUFFED. So obviously he’s going to get turned in to Big Jim. And if he isn’t, then we’d never get that shot that was shown in the previews, with Barbie standing by the noose. So you had to know this was coming.

In the woods, Norrie asks the egg what to do. A vision of her late mom, Alice, appears. Apparently, the people who built the dome have taken on the form of someone the Posse can relate to. (Or they’re lying and Alice is really an alien.) The dome was sent to protect them from something that will come at a later date (presumably this something will be a Very Bad Thing). To bring back the light, the Posse must protect the egg. If they fail to protect the egg, then DOOM. LOTS AND LOTS OF DOOM.

So Julia tosses the egg into the lake. Hey, that way, Big Jim can’t get it.

In the town square, Big Jim is getting ready to hang Barbie. But the egg is now protected, so it starts shooting pink stars — in lines — to the dome. The stars clear the blackness from the dome, making it bright. Like, radioactive explosion bright. Or staring-into-the-sun-while-in-space bright.

Basically, it’s really bright.

And Barbie’s still standing by the noose.

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Not in it.

And….that’s it.

Until next summer, that is.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 12

Under_the_Dome_title_screen Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 12 of Under the Dome (titled “Exigent Circumstances”). Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Also, apologies for getting this post up so late. I had a hard time watching this without wanting to throw things at my TV, I was so pissed off at EVERYBODY IN IT. (There is seriously not a single likable character in this show. Not one.)

Okay, so in this episode, we discover that Big Jim went to school at the Two-Dimensional School for Wannabe Archvillains. Honestly, I don’t really care what else I’ve read online (mostly from the actors and the people behind the show itself), but THIS CHARACTER HAS NO LAYERS WHATSOEVER. He is made of two dimensions; aka, he is a flat character with no redeemable qualities. He has no motivations other than making sure he rules his little domed-in kingdom. Frankly, he seems to be a douche just because he can. All he’s missing is a mustache to twirl around while he’s killing people and otherwise making people’s lives hell.

Yes, I despise this character. I hope the dome zaps him and makes him go all splodey along the side of the dome. (Preferably with his insane son next to him.)

Ahem. Anyway. So Big Jim declares a state of emergency to capture Barbie (remember, BJ has turned Barbie into the murderous villain of the town because I don’t know, maybe it was lesson 2 at archvillain school or something). Linda, who is arguably the stupidest cop I’ve ever seen (in person, in film, or on television) is all, “I am NOT turning this town into a police state just because YOU want to make it one!” To which BJ replies, “It’s not me, it’s the PEOPLE who want it!” and Linda’s all “Well, okay then, if it’s the people.”

OMG Linda, your idiocy astounds. IT ASTOUNDS.

(If you haven’t already guessed, this entire episode is basically about Big Jim going on an evil villain power trip and Linda being a total moron and going along with it. That’s really the best way to sum up what went on.)

Junior has some weird moment where he actually cares about his dad, and goes off to warn Big Jim that someone will try to kill him. Big Jim’s all, “Psha, whatever. No one can kill me” and that’s that, basically. Big Jim goes off to continue his audition for the villain in a Marvel movie, and Junior decides he’s going to do his dad’s bidding. Which…I don’t even know. So Junior goes off to the clinic to “keep guard” over Julia because “Barbie might come back to finish the job” when we really know it’s because Big Jim needs to kill her to shut her up, because Barbie didn’t actually do any shooting.

Over at the radio station, Dodee overhears the military looking for the baby dome and its accompanying egg. And the military’s looking for Barbie because he’s got the “necessary expertise” for the egg. (I don’t know if that means he can disarm it or talk to it.

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Probably both, because Barbie’s the Marty Stu of the series.

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) Dodee suddenly remembers she saw the egg in Joe’s barn, even though last week she couldn’t remember a thing about the baby dome. How convenient that her dome-induced amnesia disappears now, because she runs off to tell Big Jim about what she heard AND to show him the picture of the dome egg.

Because, obviously, she is an idiot. How do these people not know that Big Jim is hazardous to their health?

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The Baby Dome Posse, meanwhile, are discussing Big Jim’s Ultimate Villain turnaround and his desire to kill Barbie. Joe is still convinced that Barbie is the monarch who will be crowned (when the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis because apparently the butterfly is like a timer). While they’re discussing this, Carolyn walks in and sees the baby dome and its egg.

And because she’s the cool mom, she tells Norrie to hide the egg because Big Jim and his henchmen are searching all the houses. Obviously, the egg can’t fall into Big Jim’s hands because he will probably find some way to corrupt it and/or break it. Because Big Jim’s like that. (Aside: Big Jim and the Henchmen would make an awesome band name.)

Joe and Norrie take the baby dome to Ben’s house, where they hide it under a massive pile of blankets. Maybe Ben likes to hoard quilts or something.

Meanwhile, Angie’s doing…something when Barbie finds her. He tells her the truth about the shootings and she believes him (FINALLY someone who shows even a lick of sense in this town). Barbie then tells Angie that Big Jim will try to kill Julia. Obviously, Big Jim can’t let his town savior facade crack, and if Julia starts talking about her shooting, that facade will crack faster than a dried mud mask (with or without cucumbers).

So Angie and Barbie go to the clinic to break Julia out. But! Big Jim has put Junior as a guard! Oh noes!

Yeah, Angie puts on the “woe is me, I’m so scared” girlfriend act and lures Junior away from the room, giving Barbie enough time to move Julia. Junior catches on when he kisses Angie and she tastes like cigarettes. Because I don’t know, I guess cigarettes = Barbie or something.

Anyway, Angie makes a break for it in the ambulance (Julia’s in the back) while Barbie turns himself in to Linda, who seems more and more like the village idiot.

But where’s Big Jim while all this is happening? At the radio station, listening to the military broadcast. It’s all going well for Dodee, until someone says they can’t go to Big Jim because they have evidence (footage, I think?) of him killing the reverend.

And that’s when you know Dodee’s about to be redshirted. I can’t really say I have any sympathy, because I thought she was pretty annoying.

Dodee figures out that Big Jim did all the killing. In a last-ditch plea for her life, she’s all, “I know where the egg is! I can help you! And you can make the dome go down!” And Big Jim, trying to be ominous, goes, “Oh, but the dome CAN’T come down.” Probably because if it does, he will no longer have minions or a domain to rule. And he’ll be all sad and pathetic and shit.

And then he shoots Dodee and sets the station on fire. And predictably implies that the blame lies with Barbie. And even more predictably, Linda (our village idiot) buys it.

Honestly, I don’t think Linda’s capable of thinking for herself.

Big Jim then goes off to Joe’s barn to find the egg. Carolyn tries to stop him from going into the barn, but he’s all, “MRAH *chest thumping* MRAH I RULE THIS TOWN,” shoves her aside, and goes in the barn.

Lo and behold, there’s no baby dome. So Big Jim’s all, “WHAT HOW CAN SOMETHING NOT GOING ACCORDING TO MY PLAN” and arrests Joe and Norrie because taking things out on kids is what you do while you’re having a tantrum. Duh.

So Joe and Norrie go to jail, and Big Jim does his intimidation thing. Joe looks intimidated, but Norrie’s more like, “Screw you, asshole” so Big Jim goes into her cell and threatens her. She is unimpressed. And remains unthreatened. (And we see further evidence that Joe is basically just a useless git who’s there because the baby dome needs four people to unlock it.)

Next, Big Jim goes to Barbie. Because if you can’t intimidate the kids, you intimidate the guy you’re trying to screw over. Or something. Big Jim threatens Barbie into making a full “confession” of the murders/shootings/blah blah blah by threatening Angie, Joe, Norrie, and Julia. Barbie’s like, “Fine, you win, I’ll confess in public. Just don’t hurt anyone!”

Right, right, of course Big Jim won’t hurt anyone.

Joe and Norrie are released and Linda follows them to their next destination. Why? Because Big Jim told her to (seriously, people, this woman is incapable of independent thought). Joe, Norrie, and Carolyn go to Ben’s, where the egg is losing its shit and screaming in a high pitched electronic voice. Linda follows them INSIDE BEN’S HOUSE and is like, “What is THAT?” (OMG Linda what is WRONG with you?!)

Julia wakes up and tells Angie who shot her (hint: not Barbie). It turns out Angie’s hidden her in a storage closet in the clinic, because she figures it would be the last place people will look for them. Sure, it’s a good assumption Big Jim’s already searched the clinic, but in this town, who the hell knows. Anyway, Julia tells Angie that they’ll kill Barbie (which we already figured would be the case, right?).

Big Jim brings Barbie out into the town square to do the public confession thing, but instead of confessing, Barbie says he’s not guilty. (And I shall imitate Nelson and say “HA HA” to Big Jim.)

And…somewhere by the dome’s edge, Junior touches the dome all by his lonesome. Because I don’t know.

We’ll find out what happens next on the season finale, which airs September 16. (Apparently it’s supposed to be a cliffhanger, so maybe we won’t find out much.)

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 11


Le disclaimer: This post contains spoilers about episode 11 of Under the Dome (titled “Speak of the Devil”). Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Wow. Okay. I didn’t think this show could possibly get any more WTF. I mean, remember back in the 90s when Days of Our Lives did that storyline where Marlena was possessed by the devil? (I realize I may have just tipped people off to my age, since I, you know, was old enough to watch that storyline and actually remember it, but whatevs.) Remember how people were all “WTF is that about?!” and were wondering how a show could possibly be that messed up?

Yeah, really, Under the Dome has a level of WTF that beats even the Possessed Marlena WTF. Especially since it’s going more in the soap opera direction rather than the sci-fi. (And I thought Stargate: Universe was a soap opera!)

So. Anyway. The episode opens with Joe and the Baby Dome Posse debating the meaning of the baby dome. (No double rainbows, though, unfortunately.) They decide to tell Julia because she touched the baby dome once and it didn’t electrocute her. So that must mean the dome trusts her. Or something.

So Joe goes off to find Julia to tell her about the baby dome being in his barn.

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When he gets to Julia’s house, he finds out that she’s been shot. What he doesn’t know is that Blonde Lady (you know, the drug queenpin) has shot her because JEALOUSY (or something). I have no idea if this is a “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN” thing she’s got going with Barbie, or if she’s just insane. Or both. (It’s probably both, with these people.)

Barbie gets Joe to drive the electric Prius (teehee, a Prius) to the hospital while he’s in the backseat applying pressure on Julia’s gunshot wound. He tried to get Linda to come, but Big Jim was in the station at the time for an interrogation and he managed to cast suspicion on Barbie’s character. Because drug enforcer and all. So Linda’s all, “Justice!” and shit and then her police cruiser runs out of gas on the way to Julia’s, so she carjacks Phil’s car.

When they get to Julia’s and all they see is the bloodstain, Linda’s like, “Barbie murdered Julia!” and Phil says, “Well, he did kill Peter Shumway…” So Linda’s all “Big Jim was right! Barbie IS a criminal! JUSTICE!” And I’m in my corner going, :facepalm:.

Anyway. Joe drives Barbie and Julia to the hospital (which used to be a clinic) and the nurse is busy because a tree fell on some dude. This is really just an opportunity to show off Barbie’s Marty Stu-ness, because he does some crazy doctoring shit that involves a pen and a plastic bag and *gasp!

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* saves Julia’s life!

Meanwhile, Junior’s left the Baby Dome Posse because he’s pissy that Angie won’t confess her undying love for him. (Dude. You kidnapped her and held her captive in a bunker. WHY WOULD SHE LOVE YOU? Clearly you didn’t hold her long enough for the Stockholm Syndrome to set in.) So he storms off and is basically, “I’m done with the dome.

I won’t help you because if you won’t stay with me forever and ever THE DOME CAN NEVER LEAVE.”

Good to know he’s still batshit crazy.

Over at Big Jim’s neck of the woods, he’s off confronting Blonde Lady (aka Max I think) about shooting Julia. She replies with some threat about following her orders and then she won’t have to shoot anyone he cares about. He’s like, “But I’m single. There’s no one I care about.” Which of course is Junior’s cue to walk into the room. Because timing.

After Max leaves, Big Jim tells Junior to stay in the house and to not open the door unless it’s him, blah blah blah, Max is evil, blah blah blah, he’s going to settle this once and for all. So Big Jim takes off and leaves Junior at home. So of course Angie comes and convinces him to come back to the Baby Dome Posse to try to do whatever it is they’re going to do.

Max, all smug, is walking by the lake and discovers her mom’s body. Which pisses her off, obviously. So after Barbie and Big Jim finish their posturing, they go to the cement factory to take Max down, only she’s all pissed off and ends up holding them at gunpoint. (Oops.)

Of course, Barbie and Big Jim find a way to turn the tables because Marty Stu and Gangster! Once they’re outside, Big Jim shoots Max and her guard (WTF) and goes to shoot Barbie. Who, of course, disarms him and points the gun at him.

And that’s when Linda decides it’s a great time to pull into the cement factory. Because of course. So Big Jim’s all, “I’m the victim! He killed EVERYONE!” and Linda believes him, even though I have no idea why. So Barbie takes off and Linda shoots at him. She turns out to be a lousy shot because she unloads her entire clip and not a single one seems to even come close to hitting Barbie.

Back at Chester’s Mill, Big Jim visits the radio station and Dodee tells him about hearing the military say they identified Barbie inside the dome and that he’s the one they’ve been looking for.

That could mean any number of things, of course, but Big Jim decides it must mean bad and evil things. So he gets on the radio and tells the whole town that Barbie killed everybody and tried to kill him too. (OMG I hate Big Jim. He’s so slimy, like the used car salesman he is.

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Only he gives used car salesmen a terrible name.)

Anyway. The episode ends with the Baby Dome Posse touching the big dome. They have a collective vision, of Big Jim in a yellow shirt. Slowly, you see puncture wounds show up on his torso. The Posse is revealed to be holding bloody knives in the vision.

Junior goes off to find his dad, while the rest speculate that Big Jim needs to die — at their hands — for the dome to go down. And I feel like a terrible person for hoping that actually needs to happen because OMG I can’t even express how much I despise the Big Jim character. For serious.

Under the Dome airs on CBS on Monday nights.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 10


Regular disclaimer: This recap contains spoilers about episode 10 of Under the Dome, titled “Let the Games Begin.” Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

Okay, well, the good news is, there are only three episodes left. The bad news is…WTF. What was THAT about? The introduction of blackmailing Blonde Lady (I believe her name’s Max or something) just derailed a show that was already so far off the rails we were in the middle of the ocean somewhere where trains never go.

I just…ugh.

Anyway. So we start the episode at the baby dome, where Joe is doing some weird imitation of the Double Rainbow Guy because OMG THERE’S A CATERPILLAR IN IT!!! And — gasp! — it’s a yellow and brown caterpillar so it will turn into a monarch butterfly!!!!!! Dude, what does this mean??? (I have no idea. But you know, there’s that whole “the monarch will be crowned” thing from last week.)

So then Joe argues with the others about telling Julia, and we have a tell Julia-don’t tell Julia argument that ends with someone saying, “It doesn’t matter, we still need to find the FOURTH HAND for this thing!!!” Which apparently means someone else who’s had a seizure. Because I guess that’s the common denominator.

Or something.

So they all trek off to find the fourth hand. Right after they leave, Dodee comes running in (where the hell was she hiding that nobody sees her?). So of course she touches the dome, because dome! Only it electrocutes her and shoots her across the barn (which was unexpected). She’s knocked out completely and comes to as Joe, Norrie, and Angie are wheeling her into the clinic (I guess they managed to get her off the barn floor, into a car, to the clinic, out of the car, and into a wheelchair without her waking up). Dodee can’t remember anything that happened, so Norrie tells her she got electrocuted on a generator. Um, okay.

Also, is it just me, or does the clinic look way bigger than it has in previous episodes?

Weird, right? And it only gets weirder…

So Barbie — he of the Marty Stu variety — and Big Jim — he of the slightly insane variety — work together to try to either bring down Blonde Lady or get her off their backs.

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I’m not sure which. Blonde Lady has a pile of illegal businesses (because of course she does), but she does have ONE legal business — a real estate company of some sort. And lo and behold, the company held onto one house on some island that’s conveniently inside the dome. So OF COURSE that’s where Blonde Lady must be hiding all her shit, right?

So Barbie and Big Jim plan to head out to the house to…break in. Or raid it. Or something. But then Blonde Lady shows up with a bizarre “shopping” (read: looting) list for Big Jim and orders Barbie to go with her somewhere. So Big Jim goes to the house by himself, and Barbie gets dragged to the cement factory, which has now been turned into some underground/black market entertainment complex.

And NO ONE noticed this?! Really?! Blonde Lady said she wasn’t “sitting idle” for the last week, but did the writers forget that the ENTIRE TOWN hid in the cement factory when that missile was coming?

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It certainly wasn’t being transformed into anything other than a giant panic room then.

And then of course Blonde Lady’s all, “I don’t care about anyone else’s survival, I only care about MYSELF.” So not only is she devious and shit, she’s also the most selfish person on this damn show. And holy hell this show has some selfish people.

Meanwhile, off in Idealistic Cop Land, Linda shows Julia the video with Duke meeting Blonde Lady with the propane. Then she finds a safety deposit box key in Duke’s old Sheriff’s hat, so Linda and Julia traipse off to the now-empty bank.

What do they find? A written confession about the Propane Plot! Which is, apparently, a plot to help the town NOT go broke. Which involved buying the propane (as the town), then selling the propane to Blonde Lady. In return, Blonde Lady kept all drugs out of Chester’s Mill. Reverend Lester laundered the money, and Big Jim was “the face of the propane” and sold the whole idea to the town.

Which…well, okay then.

After they find this, Julia decides to open her own safety deposit box, because of course she’s got one. In hers she finds her husband’s life insurance policy. For $1 million.

Right. Well, that’s unexpected.

Back to Big Jim. When we last left him, he was on his way to that island to check out that house that Blonde Lady’s company hasn’t sold yet. When he gets there, he finds a caretaker working for some dude named Oliver.

BUT. As it turns out, the caretaker is Blonde Lady’s mom, and Oliver doesn’t exist (at least I don’t think he does).

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BL’s Mom holds Big Jim at riflepoint (because THAT’S a good idea). Of course Big Jim gets the rifle away. So then Big Jim takes BL’s Mom on his boat back to Chester’s Mill. At some point BL’s Mom falls out of the boat (how convenient) and Big Jim leaves her in the lake to drown.

Ah, okay. THERE’S the Big Jim I know and love (to hate).

Of course, Blonde Lady has no idea her mother just drowned in a lake. She’s off at her fight club place, blackmailing Barbie into a fight.

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Barbie throws the fight (because of course he does) and Blonde Lady keeps trying to blackmail him. You know, what with the whole “What would Julia say if she knew you killed her husband?” angle. Barbie gets tired of it and walks away, leaving Blonde Lady dumbfounded. Either she didn’t expect that or no one’s ever told her no before (or possibly both).

And then Barbie goes back to Julia’s house and confesses to killing her husband. But Julia already knew, because she’d just found that her husband’s gun was gone (though all the bullets were still there). She explains the life insurance policy she found, and then she’s like, “I think he needed you to kill him for the life insurance. It would’ve been void if he’d committed suicide.”

Then it seems like she forgives Barbie. What.

And THEN. Just when you think the crazy ends there, we go back to the baby dome. Angie has managed to convince Junior to go with them — because Angie’s convinced that Junior is the fourth hand, since he had a seizure back in tenth grade. Not to mention his mom’s paintings. So Joe, Norrie, Angie, and Junior all touch the baby dome. The egg lights up and turns into a planetarium projector thing and shows them a sky full of pink stars.

Oh, and, that caterpillar is now a chrysalis.

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 9


My apologies for not getting this up earlier. I haven’t been feeling well these past few days so I’m unfortunately behind on many things.

Regular disclaimer: This recap contains spoilers about episode 9 of Under the Dome, titled “The Fourth Hand.” Do not read this post if you have not yet seen the episode and plan to.

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Okay. I seriously didn’t think this show could get any worse, but surprise! It has. Honest to Godiva, the WTF level increased exponentially with this episode.

I don’t even know where to begin with this episode. It’s just…wow.

Okay. Well. The episode opens with Julia taking Barbie to see the baby dome in the woods. Only…the baby dome and its resident egg is gone! (Dun dun dun…) Julia gets all Type A and flails around for a bit, telling Barbie she needs to find the dome (and the egg, of course). Then Sheriff Linda radios Barbie and tells him there’s a shooting and he needs to get his ass over to the house because someone’s gotten hurt.

Side note: Does everyone in Chester’s Mill have a gun? Or do they just pass their guns around so there can be a shooting every other week and Linda’s got something to do? Because seriously.

So anyway, Barbie shows up at the location of the shooting where some crazy guy who claims to be hearing voices from the dome has holed up in another guy’s house. The owner of the house shot at the crazy guy, but hit his neighbor instead (crappy aim on that one).

All right then. We already know Chester’s Mill is harboring some serious nutjobs (Junior, anyone?), so I suppose it’s possible that another nutjob has started communicating with the dome. After all, Joe and Norrie have, so why not someone else? Only, it turns out that Crazy Guy doesn’t actually have a direct line to the Great Dome. Instead, he has had a direct line to some new drug called Rapture, and the “had” is a key part in why he’s now a raving lunatic.

Also, Rapture was cooked up by the late Reverend Lester.

Honestly, that guy is in some serious trouble up at the pearly gates, now that Big Jim’s offed him. I mean, the Propane Plot, now drugs. Tsk, tsk, Reverend.

Ahem. So anyway. Junior shows up at the diner (but didn’t he promise Big Jim he wouldn’t get near Angie again? Seriously, these people), and Angie’s all “Get away from me! Get out!” blah blah blah. Which would probably have had more effect if she hadn’t suddenly had a seizure and started mumbling about pink stars falling.

So of course Junior’s convinced that he and Angie are meant to be together forever or something. He takes Angie to his mom’s art studio (I guess his mom was an artist? That’s new) and shows Angie a painting that his mom did. In it, Junior’s standing on a hill, looking up at a sky filled with…(wait for it)…pink stars.

So then Junior’s all, “Do you SEE?! You talked about PINK STARS! My mom PAINTED PINK STARS! This means WE ARE CONNECTED!!!” And Angie just kinda stands there and goes, “Uh…”

Yeah, I don’t even know.

Anyway, back to Julia. She talks to Norrie and Joe about the baby dome disappearing. They’re all perplexed, of course, because when are they not perplexed? Angie gets home and announces that she had a seizure and talked about pink stars falling, and Norrie and Joe ‘fess up and tell her that they’ve had those EXACT SAME seizures.

Creepy, right?

And of course their priority is to find the baby dome. Actually, it might be Julia’s priority, because she’s Julia, but Norrie and Joe seem pretty curious about it too.

It turns out that the baby dome is inside Joe’s shed/barn thing. Aww, it followed them home. But wait! It didn’t follow them home! Apparently Joe went on some sleepwalking hike and BROUGHT IT HOME WITH HIM! Because it was cold? I don’t know.

By this point, you may be wondering what the hell Big Jim’s been up to. I admit, I saved that part for the end, because this particular plot twist makes not even a lick of sense.

So. Suddenly and from out of nowhere (for real) some random blonde lady shows up at Big Jim’s house. (Remember, this is the ninth episode. Where the HELL has this lady been hiding for the last eight episodes that NO ONE has seen her or even knew she was in town?

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She’s not a local. WOULDN’T PEOPLE NOTICE HER?! Ugh.) Blonde Lady starts in on her spiel about her “arrangement” with Big Jim (meanwhile, I’m going “the fuck?!”).

That arrangement? Yeah, it turns out that Blonde Lady is the brains behind Rapture and she wants to go back into production so that she can supply the fine residents of Chester’s Mill with some apparently awesome drugs. And one of the ingredients for Rapture is…propane! (Ah, that Propane Plot finally comes to light.)

I…I don’t even. Seriously, is this for real?

So then Big Jim decides to collect all the guns because gun control!

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(Well, not really, but who the hell knows why Big Jim does things?) So Linda’s all, “But America! Guns!” because that’s the predictable Linda response. Big Jim, of course, argues that the dome is its own sovereign nation or something and the gun collection is voluntary. Barbie just gives Big Jim suspicious eyes.

Big Jim does his thing, people turn in their guns — except for that guy who shot at his neighbor at the beginning of his episode. He wants to KEEP HIS GUNS because they’re all he’s got left after his wife died. Also, he’s got a grenade and wants to kill himself with it. Big Jim then tries to comfort him and make him see that there’s SO MUCH to live for (under a dome).

Okay, so Big Jim should NEVER emote like that. It just doesn’t work.

Anyway, Gun Guy pretty much says, “Screw you” and pulls the pin on the grenade. But then! Big Jim GRABS IT AND PUTS THE PIN BACK IN!!!

I…I don’t…I have no words. Can you even DO that?! WTF.

Big Jim, after having saved the day, collects Gun Guy’s guns and adds them to the collection. Barbie goes with him to his house for some random reason and Blonde Lady shows up to congratulate Big Jim on everything going according to plan. Then she kisses Barbie, just to prove a point (and to let Big Jim know that she and Barbie know each other).


And then we’ve got Barbie and Big Jim posturing and blah blah blah.

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Then Blonde Lady blackmails Barbie into working for her again, even though he was already working for her (I guess she’s the bookie he was working for back at the beginning of the series?). Barbie’s like, “There’s nothing you can do that would make me want to work with you again!” And Blonde Lady goes, “Oh yeah?

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Because apparently we’re all twelve years old or something. Also, WTF kind of plot point IS this?!

So yeah, now that that’s settled, Barbie’s in on whatever plot Blonde Lady’s cooking up, Big Jim’s stockpiling all the guns in their dungeon underground bunker, and Junior’s all “WTF is going on?!” when he discovers Big Jim with the guns in the bunker.

Dear god, this show just gets more fucked up every week. To wit: the episode ends with Norrie, Joe, and Angie coming to the conclusion that the baby dome is only for people who’ve had seizures (oooh, don’t tell Julia!). Then they all put a hand on the dome, which then lights up a fourth handprint… So then of course they’re all, “Let’s go find this fourth person so we can unlock the baby dome!”

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 8


As usual: This post contains spoilers about episode 8 of Under the Dome (titled “Thicker than Water”). Do not read this post if you haven’t yet seen the episode and plan to.

Wow. Okay. This show has managed to raise the bar on WTF. Granted, it hasn’t hit Sharknado levels (yet), but…wow.

The episode opens with Junior going home, even though Big Jim kicked him out. (I don’t even know why Junior would do this. Clearly he’s got daddy issues. Though I’d probably be batshit crazy too if I had Big Jim for a dad.) So Big Jim apparently knows that Junior killed that Dundee brother, who is apparently actually dead now, and is unhappy about it. (But…why? It’s not like Big Jim’s all innocent. Remember Reverend Lester? And that propane guard from last week?)

Anyway, Big Jim’s all, “You’re not my son!” and then something about Junior’s mother, which makes Junior go, “You DID NOT JUST INSULT MY MOTHER” and Big Jim’s like, “Oh yes I did.

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” The only thing missing was the finger snap. (Kidding. This dialogue didn’t actually happen. Though it might’ve made the episode more entertaining if it had.) Also, what’s up with the mother? Big Jim uses her as an insult a lot.

And then we go to Barbie digging a grave (presumably for Alice). By himself. With a shovel. And he does it PERFECTLY. Because OF COURSE he does.

Inside the house (I assume this grave is at Joe and Angie’s house because that’s where Alice died), Angie’s searching the kitchen for food and asks Joe why he hasn’t gone grocery shopping. Joe’s reply is, “But looting! And no food!” and Angie’s all, “Ugh, fine, we’ll go to the diner” because I guess the diner still has food in its pantry. Before they go, Joe tries to comfort Norrie, but then the ominous music started playing so I couldn’t figure out if Norrie was grieving or plotting murderous revenge. Or both.

On the subject of food, Big Jim goes to Ollie’s farm and proposes a partnership: they work together to provide food and water — Ollie grows the crops and controls the well, while Big Jim provides the propane to run shit. Ollie’s all, “NO I WANT TO RULE THIS TOWN I WILL OUST YOU IN A COUP JUST WAIT AND SEE” and Big Jim’s like, “Oh you think so, do you? I DON’T THINK SO.” Meanwhile, I want to throat punch both of them because oh my god WTF is wrong with these two?

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So Big Jim, because he’s Big Jim, hatches a plan to confiscate Ollie’s farm under some random bylaw to a) get revenge for being humiliated, and b) get control of the well. As backup, he’s bringing the police and whatever “volunteers” he can draft into his crazy ass armed raid plan.

So Big Jim, the police (all three of them, including Junior, who’s on probation for killing that one Dundee brother), and the random townspeople who now get to use guns go off to Ollie’s farm. Ollie shows up with his farmer henchmen, who are more competent as bad guys and criminals than Big Jim’s henchmen ever were, so props to Ollie for that. Ollie refuses to turn over his farm and refuses to acknowledge the town bylaw. Then he threatens to withhold all food and water from the town because threatening! And then there’s a standoff and shooting and shit.

Then Junior switches sides and allies with Ollie. Because what the fuck?

But enough about the boys in the sandbox for a moment. Let’s visit Norrie and Joe! If you’ll remember, Norrie’s mom Alice died last week. Norrie seems to be going through the stages of grief, though she seems to have skipped the denial stage and has just gone straight to anger. At this point she blames Joe for Alice’s death, because Alice had the heart attack right when they touched the little dome. And OF COURSE it’s Joe’s fault that they touched the little dome because it was his idea to go look for the dome’s power source with his weird “the dome is an atom” thing.

Joe, because he seems to lack the ability to empathize with anyone, goes to the diner with Angie and draws a picture of the little dome with the dome-egg. Which Julia sees. And then Joe tells her about it. (OMG JOE WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.) So Joe and Julia go off to see the little dome and its pet egg, which is now glowing pink. (Does this mean that it’s communicating with whatever entity put it there? Ooo…aliens! Maybe?) Julia then touches the little dome (because of course she does) and sees another Joe saying, “The monarch will be crowned.”

Because THAT makes sense. (Later, we see Angie with a monarch butterfly tattoo. Which…ugh. Seriously.)

Then Julia tells Joe what she saw, and Joe’s reply is, “You saw me? But we saw Alice when we touched the dome and then she died! DOES THAT MEAN I’M GOING TO DIE OMG WAAHH.”

And then we see Norrie and Angie throwing snowglobes (that I think Junior gave Angie) at the dome because it’s cathartic or something. Um, okay.

All right. So, back to the boys who can’t play well in the sandbox.

After Ollie pretty much humiliates Big Jim in front of a bunch of people for not falling on his knees to worship/turn over the farm like Big Jim wanted, Big Jim’s all pissy because I don’t know, maybe he feels emasculated or something.

So OF COURSE Big Jim wants to go back for more standoff and shooting. He’s all, “We go back and TAKE THE WELL!!” And Linda, because she’s all idealistic and shit, replies with, “But DIPLOMACY!” And Barbie, because he’s the Marty Stu of the series, comes up with an alternate solution and says, “We should blow up Ollie’s well and divert the water to ALL THOSE OTHER DRIED OUT ARTESIAN WELLS! Then Ollie can’t control the water!” And Big Jim replies with, “Mrah *chest-thumping* I RULE THIS TOWN AND WE WILL DO THIS MY WAY *chest-thumping* MRAH!”


Meanwhile, on Ollie’s farm, Junior and Ollie are bonding in this weird revenge-against-Big-Jim moment. Then Ollie tells Junior that his mom didn’t actually die in a car accident; she died in a car accident of her own making (ie she committed suicide). Junior’s all, “No she wouldn’t do that YOU’RE LYING.” Ollie’s like, “I would NEVER. But your dad totally would.” And Junior’s all, “RAWR I WILL KILL HIM!!!”

And I’m like, “Jesus Christ, seriously?”

So yeah, the raid is on for that night. People start gathering at the edge of the farm with Big Jim, but Barbie sneaks onto Ollie’s farm to blow up the well. Because what. I don’t even. So Big Jim does his “Mrah! *chest-thumping*” bit and tells people where to go with their guns and all that.

Linda then says they should wait. And Big Jim realizes that Barbie isn’t with the group and he’s all, “Did Barbie go to blow up the well? MRAH MY PLAN MRAH!!!” With chest-thumping. And guns.

And then Barbie actually does blow up the well (after fighting one of Ollie’s farmer-henchmen dudes in hand to hand combat, of course). Predictably, Big Jim is all, “MRAH MY PLAN IS RUINED DAMN YOU BARBIE MRAH *chest-thumping*.”

People run away, blah blah blah, and then Junior appears out of nowhere and hits Big Jim in the face with the butt of his gun. Big Jim is taken to Ollie, who’s posturing and trying to be threatening and all that. Then his henchmen leave and he goes after them with his gun. Which conveniently leaves Big Jim and Junior alone for a few minutes — just long enough for Junior to ask why Big Jim lied about his mother all those years ago.

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While being his normal psychotic self, of course.

So Big Jim explains that Junior’s mother was “already unstable” and ran out after they had a fight. She got in the car and drove into a tree going like 80mph or something. And then Big Jim and Police Chief Duke covered it up. (Aside, if she was already unstable, wouldn’t you GET HER HELP? You know, BEFORE she drove herself INTO A TREE? Honestly these people.)

Junior: But WHHHYYYYY????

Big Jim: I didn’t want you to know she chose to leave us WAAAHHH.

Ollie (who has come back from chasing his henchmen, apparently): HE LIES!

So Junior shoots Ollie.

Because THAT makes sense.

Anyway, with Ollie now dead, Big Jim’s back to being the big man on campus and he’s his old smug self again. Barbie confronts him and is all, “People DIED because of you. You should’ve LISTENED TO ME. Blowing up the well wouldn’t have killed anyone! And IT WORKED! You didn’t want to blow it up because you wanted the well so you could CONTROL THE TOWN!! Mrah *chest-thumping* mrah!”

Big Jim, now that he’s comfy and secure in his position of power, is all threatening and “You do NOT want me as an enemy.” And Barbie’s like, “Ditto, dude.” (Remember, Barbie is an ex-military bookie’s enforcer. Big Jim is…I don’t even know.)

And then Junior’s back at the station and tells Linda he was a Trojan horse and destroyed Ollie from THE INSIDE.


Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 7


As usual: This post contains spoilers about episode 7 of Under the Dome (titled “Imperfect Circle”). Do not read this post if you haven’t yet seen the episode and plan to.

So yay! We’re officially halfway through this season! Only six more episodes of a show with remarkably unlikable characters.

Anyway. This week in Chester’s Mill, the residents all have water again (because, you know, it rained when they needed it to and they’ve also got that farmer’s artesian well). So no riots. Except for the Dundee brothers, who aren’t rioting so much as running around bullying people. But WITH GUNS so it’s okay (or something).

Violently armed brothers aside, in Chester’s Mill we also have to deal with morning after awkwardness. Yep, Barbie and Julia (who last week shared a kiss) are waking up in bed together.

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This still seriously squicks me out because of the whole “Barbie killed Julia’s husband and she doesn’t know” thing. But maybe that’s just me, I don’t know.

And then this random (very) pregnant lady shows up at Julia’s house asking for yogurt. Seriously, what? Where the hell did this pregnant lady come from? I thought Chester’s Mill was a small town? Though I can understand the yogurt bit (Pregnant Lady says it’s the only thing she can keep down); there was a point when all I could keep down was ramen noodles, so yeah, sometimes your food options are limited.

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Also, she has the world’s roundest pregnant belly. Does anyone actually have a round pregnant belly? Or am I the only one who gets a strangely shaped belly while pregnant? (The size of Pregnant Lady’s belly doesn’t bother me; I might actually have been larger than she was during my third trimester(s). Which is…well, it’s large.)

So anyway, after Pregnant Lady gets her cup of yogurt or whatever, she waddles off (well she didn’t, but if she really WERE pregnant she’d have been waddling like a duck down that sidewalk) and runs into a hallucination of her husband, who is currently deployed. She thinks that maybe he’s come home early and reaches out to touch him. Only OF COURSE HE’S NOT THERE (because how could he have gotten inside the dome?) and she ends up touching the dome.

Which then sends her into early labor. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOES.

Meanwhile, at the Crazy Rennie House, Big Jim is chewing out Junior for locking her up in the dungeon underground bunker (and he’s not being particularly friendly or fatherly about it). And THEN he tells Junior he’s sick. And kicks Junior out of the house (what?), before telling him that if he gets near Angie again, he’ll be sorry. (And I’m going “OMG IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. NO WONDER JUNIOR’S INSANE.”)

Then Big Jim tells Angie she can stay at his house, and Angie’s all, “Haha no, not gonna happen.” But she does say she wants to say goodbye to Rose first, so Big Jim gives her the keys to the diner (I guess he owns it). So off Angie goes to the diner, where Ben (remember Ben?) finds her and helps her bury Rose. Afterward, they go back to the diner to clean it up.

Farmer Dude opens up his well for the town, and he’s all smug and shit because I don’t know. Big Jim proposes a partnership (propane and water) so that together they can rule the town. Ollie, all smug, asks Big Jim if the propane supply is still his. Big Jim’s all, “WTF? Of course it’s still mine!” while I want to punch Ollie in the throat.

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(Not that I like Big Jim more, mind you; it’s just that Ollie’s particularly grating with his smug doucheness.)

It turns out that Ollie’s taken over the propane supply but cutting off the lock and replacing it with his own. Also, he’s posted a guard there.

Okay, wait. What? Is this propane thing common knowledge in the town? Does everybody know where it’s being kept? If not, how did Ollie find out where it was? Did he have Big Jim followed during one of the propane delivery runs? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Later Ollie shows up at Big Jim’s office and is even more smug and douchey because he’s got the well, the crops, AND the propane. Now he’s gloating because he rules Chester’s Mill! And Big Jim. (You know this is going to be a recipe for disaster, right?)

Linda and her deputies are off looking for the Dundee brothers because they have to be arrested and all that for killing Rose. And then she tells Junior that they were about to rape Angie (OMG LINDA WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.) So Junior’s all, “Let’s KICK THEIR ASSES!” and Linda’s all, “But THE LAW!” and I’m like :facepalm:. (Seriously, how does Linda’s idealism survive in this place?)

Julia’s taking Pregnant Lady to the clinic. On the way, they get gasjacked by the Dundee brothers (I THOUGHT BARBIE KILLED ONE OF THEM?!) because gas is more valuable than the car or something. Barbie comes to their rescue (because of course he does) and shoots one of them in the leg. (The same brother he strangled last week, so maybe the Dundees are like cats and have nine lives or something.) He tells Linda and Junior where the brothers are headed and then helps Julia take Pregnant Lady the rest of the way to Alice’s. Why Alice’s? Because the clinic’s closed and Alice is apparently the only doctor (or anyone with medical training) left in the entire town. (Except, if you’ll remember, Alice is actually a psychiatrist so I don’t know.)

Alice of course takes charge and Pregnant Lady’s in active labor blah blah blah. But THEN Alice starts to get weak (she’s run out of insulin, remember?) and Barbie has to take over as midwife. Alice talks him through clamping the umbilical cord because it’s wrapped around the baby’s neck, and of course Barbie can do it. With a shoelace. And of course he can deliver the baby LIKE A PRO. (WHAT. THE. FUCK. This guy’s Marty Stu-ness is irritating as hell.)

You may be wondering what happened with Joe and Norrie and their weird connection with the dome. (Or not. But I’ll tell you anyway.) They find a little dome in the woods after Joe’s all “What if the dome is like an ATOM?! That means it’ll have a NUCLEUS IN THE MIDDLE!” (What? Seriously, what? I mean, okay, an atom will have a nucleus and electrons and shit but where the hell does he come up with this stuff?)

Inside the dome is…a black egg. (Oooo, aliens! Maybe?) They try talking to the little dome, but nothing happens so someone suggests they touch it. When they do, Norrie sees an image of her mom, and she automatically knows that something’s wrong (HOW?) so she rushes back to Joe’s house.

Where Alice has a heart attack and dies. What. (Also, crap, the town lost its last doctor.)

Meanwhile, Linda and Junior find the Dundees and Linda tries to arrest them. Of course that doesn’t work, so shooting and shit.

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Both of the Dundees die. (Well, I think they did. I thought one of them died last week but apparently not so who the hell knows.)

Oh, and Big Jim loses his (drunken) shit and goes to the propane supply place, shoots a fuel tank or something on the guard’s truck, and watches the truck blow up. With the guard inside. (Can that actually happen? Didn’t Mythbusters do a segment on that?)

And in the woods… the black egg starts to light up. (I really hope it’s phoning home…)

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 6


As usual: This post contains spoilers about episode 6 of Under the Dome (titled “The Endless Thirst”). Do not read this post if you haven’t yet seen the episode and plan to.

So. Last week: missile! This week: there’s still a dome!

Surprise, surprise, not even the MOAB (mother of all bombs) could crack the dome. It’s indestructible. Maybe it was made by aliens! (That’s my vote, anyway.) So we have the residents of Chester’s Mill trying to figure out how the hell the damn dome could survive getting bombed. Especially when the land around the dome now looks like it’s a war zone.

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And then Sheriff Linda tells Big Jim about Reverend Lester (who, if you’ll remember from last week, Big Jim essentially killed). And Big Jim is all, “Oh no! Not Reverend Lester! This dome is KILLING EVERYONE WE KNOW AND LOVE!” blah blah blah.

And then the townspeople are all, “OMG WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN WE RUN OUT OF FOOD AND SHIT?!” And I’m like, “FINALLY someone’s asking the questions people should’ve been asking five weeks ago!” I was also like, “Oooh, does this mean we’ll finally get some riots?!” Because seriously, I expected the rioting and panicking during the second episode. Not gonna lie, the non-rioting has been a real disappointment.

Anyway. Back at Angie’s house, Junior’s trying to get Angie to trust her. In a non-TSTL moment, Angie’s looking at him like, “Fuck this shit, you’re totally insane,” and then smacks him in the head with some glass thing. And then she runs. Away. Which is a good way to go when you’re trying to get away from the psychotic tendencies of Junior Rennie. I’m just saying.

So anyway. Norrie’s mom Alice ran out of insulin and is now suffering from lack of insulin. This, obviously, is Not Good. She wanders into the street, disoriented, and the semi coming directly at her swerves to avoid hitting her.

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Unfortunately, it hits the water tower instead.

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And then water! Everywhere! Which is seriously crappy because this is the town’s water supply. (And honestly, after seeing that water tower, it doesn’t really seem all that big, so how has it not run out by now?)

And THEN the people start getting panicky and rioty. Finally, right? Barbie and Linda go to the town’s water source, which is a lake outside of town (and is conveniently inside the dome). But alas, the water’s been polluted with methane, so no drinking water for you!

Big Jim, being Big Jim, has a solution: go into the artesian wells underneath Chester’s Mill! But he has to negotiate with Ollie, the farmer who owns the land above the last remaining well. Ollie, of course, is all, “So what do I get for it?” and Big Jim is like, “How about the gratitude of your fellow residents?” Ollie’s reply is, “Screw that. Give me propane.”

But Big Jim, being Big Jim, HAS PROPANE! (Remember the Propane Plot we know nothing about?) So he delivers propane, and Ollie’s like, “This isn’t enough, you have to keep GIVING ME MORE PROPANE!” (Dude. Greedy much?)

And then the people start rioting. Like, for real rioting. There are fights, people stealing, people looting, blah blah blah. And Angie, who has run into the town’s diner (WITH NO SHOES) because it’s some sort of sanctuary, ends up getting knocked out by two looters (who turn out to be the Dundee brothers, whoever the hell they are). Rose, the diner’s owner, ends up being killed by one of them. And for what? Frozen meat. I guess some people just can’t live without their steaks. And bacon. (Okay, I can understand the bacon.)

Anyway. Not forgetting about Reporter Julia, she’s off trying to find the power source for the weird static noise thing coming out of the radio and the police walkie-talkies. DJ Dodee has come up with some sort of device that can track the signal, and they track it to… Joe and Norrie! Who happen to be breaking into people’s houses trying to steal insulin for Alice!

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Because yes, that makes sense, doesn’t it?

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Dodee and Julia figure out that Joe and Norrie are attached to the dome somehow, after the two of them touch the dome and then the car radio starts working. (Yeah, I don’t know.) So Joe tells Julia and Dodee about the seizures and shows them the video. Dodee wants to tell Big Jim (NOOO) and Julia’s like, “We can’t do that! Do you know what they’d do to them?!” (FINALLY! Something that makes sense!) And Dodee’s all, “Fine. I won’t tell anyone. FOR NOW.” (Dun dun dun…)

Meanwhile, the rioting is getting so bad Linda and her deputies (of whom Barbie is now one) use tear gas from just after 9/11. Barbie’s like, “Dude, seriously? This stuff’s over ten years old. It’s not going to work.” And then when it doesn’t work he’s like, “Told ya.” (Well, okay, maybe not, but I’m sure he was thinking it.)

But THEN. It starts raining! Just when the town needed water the most!

HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA, BATMAN. Seriously, how convenient was that? (Or maybe I’m just really disappointed the rioting was so damn short.)

Barbie asks Big Jim to take Angie to the clinic after he rescues her from the diner (oh, like THAT’S gonna end well).

Yep, as I thought, Big Jim didn’t take Angie to the clinic. Instead, he takes her to HIS HOUSE. Where he proposes a deal: he’ll make sure Junior never touches her again, AND he’ll make sure that she’s provided for (with propane, food, guns, blah blah blah), IF she forgets the whole thing ever happened. Angie makes Big Jim promise to protect Joe, too, which he does. But then she’s all, “I don’t know….” even though she told Rose (before the looters showed up) that no one’s going to believe her story because Big Jim’s a councilman and Junior’s a cop. So really, wouldn’t this be a good deal?

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Anyway, Junior shows up before Angie can “think it over” and he’s all, “WTF? What are YOU doing here?!”

Oh, and, there’s this weird romance brewing between Barbie and Julia. Which is just icky to me because, oh yeah, Barbie killed Julia’s husband.

Come back next week, where I poke at the people in the biodome again!

Under the Dome airs Mondays on CBS.

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Recap: Under the Dome Episode 5


As usual: This post contains spoilers about episode 5 of Under the Dome (titled “Blue on Blue”). Do not read this post if you haven’t yet seen the episode and plan to.

So when we left Chester’s Mill last week, Big Jim had just discovered Junior’s dungeon and Angie, who Junior may be hoping will someday develop a raging case of Stockholm Syndrome.

When we rejoin the Chester’s Millivites (Millerites? Millians?) this week, we see a flock of Monarch butterflies attached to the edge of the dome.

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Which is…a little random, really. (The butterflies are pretty though.) Joe and Norrie are contemplating the butterflies as only they can, and they come to the conclusion that the dome is trying to talk to them. Erm…okay.

Not through the butterflies, but through their seizures and the fact that they say pink stars are falling and all that while they’re seizing. (And maybe the seizures are them short circuiting or something (??) so they can’t touch each other because then there’ll be interference like when a microphone gets too close to the amplifier.)

This is weird and slightly random, but may actually make sense. Especially after we saw last week’s video of the seizure, when Joe sits up mid-seizure and says “Shhh.” So I guess it’s possible.

Anyway. Back to the dungeon.

So Big Jim has discovered Angie. When we return to the dungeon, the water has been drained, but Angie is…still chained to the bed. Big Jim is all, “Oh sure, I’ll let you out. Uh, what the hell are you doing in here, anyway?” And Angie’s all, “Your son is keeping me here because he is INSANE.” And Big Jim’s like, “Right. Okay, bye!” and then leaves.

Which isn’t all that surprising, really, since Big Jim seems like he’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal himself. (Mmm…fries…)

When Big Jim comes up from the bunker, he finds Reverend Lester waiting for him, in all of Lester’s born again glory. Lester is going on about how god has given him a message: Moab, not referring to the city in Utah but to the biblical location. Big Jim dismisses him as being a crazy old coot, but we find that Lester is actually getting the word “Moab” through his hearing aid.

So…does this mean that the dome is talking to Lester too? (Actually it’s not, but I’ll get to that later.)

Meanwhile, with the butterflies, Barbie touches the dome and all the butterflies leave, revealing the military on the other side. And…buses. Like the big charter buses, Greyhound style. The buses pull up to the dome and out come…family members.

The military has, apparently, allowed the relatives of the trapped townspeople to visit them at the edge of the dome. (Well, that’s a new development. Weren’t the military ignoring the dome earlier?)

Julia, our resident reporter turned DJ, announces on the radio that there are family visits, so of course there’s a mad rush to the edge of the dome so people can mouth conversations and mime hugs to each other. (Because, remember, nothing gets through the dome. Not even sound.)

Sheriff Linda tells Barbie to keep everyone away from the edge of the dome so that no one gets zapped. And then promptly runs up to the dome to dome-kiss her fiance, who has appeared on the other side. (This must be a case of “do as I say, not as I do.”)

So basically the entire town shows up at the edge of the dome (the butterflies are gone, obviously), waiting to see their relatives. Norrie isn’t expecting anyone but is shocked to discover someone holding up a sign with her name on it. It’s her dad, and he’s got photos of her as a baby — and a photo of him with her mom Alice (the blonde mom). Norrie of course is all, “What? You can’t be my dad, my moms said my dad was an anonymous donor!

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” And then Alice and Carolyn show up and pretty much confirm that the dude is, in fact, Norrie’s dad. So Norrie loses her shit and takes off. Because of course.

Reverend Lester shows up at the gathering, preaching about Moab (yeah, I don’t even know) and is stopped by Tough Guy Big Jim. Lester gives Jim an ultimatum: confess your sins or I’ll tell the town what you did! And there’s something about drugs mentioned. (I assume this has something to do with the mysterious Propane Plot, but since we don’t know ANYTHING about the plot, I don’t even know.

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Meanwhile, Julia’s looking for Peter, but instead finds someone named Mary, who shows Julia a letter that basically says Peter’s taken off. Julia is about as impressed as you’d think she’d be. (But Barbie still hasn’t confessed to killing him.)

As everyone’s leaving, Barbie stops Dodee, who apparently knows sign language, and asks her to read lips (because of course she can read lips, right?). Barbie brings Dodee to the edge of the dome and starts talking to a soldier.

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We discover then that the military had gotten new orders the night before, telling them to bring the families and then withdraw — and never return. Barbie then puts two and two together — Moab doesn’t refer to the biblical city (and god has not been talking to Lester). Instead, Moab is an acronym that stands for mother of all bombs.

So I guess the military is going to bomb the dome. At 1:15pm.

Wow. That sucks.

But what about the residents? Will they die from the thermobaric missile that will be shot at them (what exactly IS a thermobaric missile, anyway?).

Hopefully not, because they’ll be evacuated to the tunnels under the old cement factory.

So Barbie, Julia, Linda, and Big Jim go off to evacuate the residents (they seem to be the only ones in town who do this kind of thing). But then Big Jim does something surprising — he goes back to the dungeon and frees Angie. (I know, right? I was shocked, too.) But I had to wonder — would he have let her go if the missile wasn’t headed for Chester’s Mill? Or would he have left her there?

Angie takes off and goes home because Big Jim never told her about the cement factory. Junior finds out that his dad let his captive go, so he also takes off for Angie’s house and is his usual psycho self. But when Angie learns about the missile, she kisses Junior and hugs him.

WHAT. No, seriously. WHAT. (Sometimes I don’t understand this girl.)

Norrie and Joe are still above ground, looking for Angie, but they don’t go back to Joe’s house because…I don’t know. Maybe because Angie wasn’t there when they left it? Barbie and Julia leave through the other set of tunnels to look for Norrie and Joe because…I don’t know, Julia wanted to be heroic or something. Linda leaves the cement factory because she wanted to look at some initials she and her fiance had carved into some tower somewhere.

And this is where you know that the missile won’t affect the dome because otherwise half the main cast would be wiped out. (I could do without Junior, though.)

Norrie and Joe kiss as the missile drops on the dome. BUT. They don’t have seizures! And they’re still alive!

Actually, everyone’s still alive. Because, as you may have already guessed, the missile did shit all to the dome. It’s still in place, as sturdy as can be, but the land around the dome looks like a war zone. Nothing outside survived, but everything inside is hunky-dory, like the missile never happened.

Big Jim goes to the surface and is examining the damage on the other side of the dome when Reverend Lester shows up. Lester’s all, “The Lord saved Chester’s Mill because I REPENTED!” and Big Jim and I are both, “WTF?”

And then Big Jim pushes Lester — hearing aid first — into the side of the dome. Lester’s hearing aid loses its electronic shit and kills Lester (because of course it does). Now that’s the Big Jim I’ve come to know.

Come back next week, when I revisit the fish bowl once again.

Under the Dome airs on Mondays on CBS.

Recap: Under the Dome Episode 4


When we last left our friends of Under the Dome, a lot of crazy shit had happened. When we rejoin our friends this week, more crazy shit happens.

So let’s get to it, shall we? (Be warned: this recap may — or may not — have more of my snarky personal commentary included. I’m sorry, I just can’t keep it bottled up inside anymore.)

Remember: This post contains spoilers about episode 4 of Under the Dome (titled “Outbreak”). Do not read this post if you haven’t yet seen the episode and plan to.

Note: this is a LONG post.

So. At the end of episode 3, Julia (our resident snoopy reporter) had gone through Barbie’s things and discovered a map. At the beginning of this episode, Julia has taken said map and has put it in her purse by way of a newspaper. It’s all sneaky and spy-like. Or it would be, if it wasn’t also a raging case of “OMG you’re going to do this now?” But pay attention to Snooping Julia and her map, which luckily doesn’t sing (this is important later) (the map, not the singing).

Outside, at the edge of the dome, we have ourselves a mini-riot. The mob (but not The Mob) is going totally batshit because the military is leaving their posts on the outside of the dome. So our civilian mobsters are painting graffiti on the dome and are basically just screaming random shit about how they’re stuck in there and woe is me and all that. Reverend Lester, our resident clueless, bumbling criminal sidekick steps in and starts preaching about God and what God wants (yeah, I don’t even know) and newly-minted Sheriff Linda is trying to get the rabble to calm down. Of course it doesn’t work, so she pulls out her gun because, I don’t know, waving it while on the edge of the dome is supposed to make people stop being all mobby. (Remember what happened the last time someone pulled out a gun at the edge of the dome? Exactly. Not the brightest thing to do, Sheriff Linda.

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Anyway, Big Jim comes to the rescue (because of course he does). After he finishes berating Linda for her gun-pulling stunt, Linda collapses against the dome. (No, she doesn’t collapse out of shame.) Barbie and Big Jim load her up into her car and take her to the clinic.

Honestly, that Barbie guy is freaking EVERYWHERE. There is nowhere in this damn town he isn’t.

We’ll get back to Linda later, but the collapsing thing is important. Remember that part.

Meanwhile, let’s visit Chester’s Mill’s resident psychopath, Junior! He’s still got Angie locked up in his dungeon underground bunker. When we first see him, he’s bringing her a change of clothes, so she’s “more comfortable.” Of course, before he hands it over, he sniffs it.

I am not even kidding, you guys, he SNIFFS it. It’s so creepy, I can’t even begin to tell you.

Angie, in yet another attempt at getting out of her awesome little dungeon, acts all flirtatious and pretends she doesn’t want to stab Junior in the eye with a dull pencil (because you know she does). She tells him to turn around (I dunno, maybe because she’s pretending she wants to sleep with him?). When he does, she pulls out a pair of scissors from under her pillow, then lunges at him. With the scissors. Only she misses and stabs him in the hand instead. Of course, Junior is seriously pissed off and locks her with the leg chain to the bed again. He says she can leave when she’s ready, but not before. (What the hell does that even mean?)

Also, holy too stupid to live moment, Angie. What the flying fuck?

And THEN, she tries to get someone’s attention by screaming into a vent and holding on to a pipe. (You know this isn’t going to end well.) So unsurprisingly, the pipe — which turns out to be a water pipe — bursts, throwing Angie back against the concrete floor, knocking her unconscious. The dungeon then fills with water.

At this point, I am too busy facepalming to pay much attention to what else is going on. OMG Angie. You  had such potential.

All right. So. Remember how Julia is now all snoopy and looking through other people’s stuff like the world’s most annoying roommate? She’s on the way somewhere — I assume to confront Barbie or something — when she sees her husband’s car at DJ Phil’s house (well, trailer). She stops and confronts Phil about it. Phil tells her that Peter, her husband, sold it to him. And then he collapses. Just like Linda (I warned you that the collapsing thing was important).

So we all go over to the clinic (“hospital” isn’t quite the right term, since it’s not that big), where we see Alice and Carolyn (the token lesbian couple from LA) taking their daughter Norrie and her buddy Joe for some tests. (Remember, last week Norrie and Joe had a simultaneous seizure where they talked about pink stars falling from the sky in lines.) Alice, while a psychiatrist, did a medical internship and not a psychiatric one. This turns out to be Very Important, because the clinic has no doctors, so the nurses recruit Alice to be the acting doctor. Or something. But at this point, she’s still ordering tests to try determine what the hell is going on with her kid.

Julia, having taken Phil to the clinic, confronts Barbie about the map and what he’s really doing there. OMG WHAT THE HELL JULIA. (Seriously, you’re going to do this now?) At that point she gets rather faint and slumps against the wall (that collapsing thing again). Alice orders someone to take her to a treatment room. And yay, Barbie’s off the hook for now.

After examining the people coming in (and there are a lot of them), Alice concludes that it’s a meningitis outbreak.

A MENINGITIS OUTBREAK, you guys. In a town that’s COVERED BY A DOME. Where the hell did the meningitis come from? Wouldn’t it have been evident SOONER THAN THIS if Patient Zero was wandering around Chester’s Mill?

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Wouldn’t more people (like the rest of the town) be in trouble since apparently only Junior, Barbie, Norrie, Alice, and Carolyn had been vaccinated? Or maybe I’m overthinking it, I don’t know.

Anyway. Alice tells Big Jim she needs antibiotics to treat everyone, but the hospital is running low. So Big Jim gets a list from Alice and goes off somewhere to get the drugs (we learn later he goes to the town’s pharmacy). Then he leaves Junior to guard the clinic’s entrance. With a shotgun.

Oh, okay, let’s give the psycho a GUN and tell him it’s okay to use it. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA. (Have I mentioned he’s got someone locked in a dungeon?)

Over in another part of the clinic, Julia has left her room and is trying to get answers about her husband from DJ Phil, who apparently knows Barbie. Phil is completely out of it, thanks to the meningitis, and thinks Julia actually is Peter, and says, “I can’t make it to the cabin tonight.” And of course Julia’s all, “What cabin?” because she has no clue what the hell he’s talking about. She tries to get Junior to let her out, but Junior’s on his power trip and says no. But he does mention that he found Barbie in a cabin, which makes Julia all snoopy reporter curious. But Junior won’t let her out, so Julia goes to her husband’s office and takes his key card, which is still miraculously in his office, and leaves out the back door.

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To go find this cabin. Even though she’s got meningitis symptoms.

OMG the TSTLness abounds.

So. By this point, the clinic is running out of antibiotics and Big Jim isn’t back yet. Because, as we discover, the pharmacy has been broken into and ALL the medicine is gone. So Big Jim and Barbie (swear to god this guy’s everywhere) are all, “WTF?” and Big Jim has an idea of who took the drugs and where they are. So they go to Rev. Lester’s house, who is apparently a born again Christian and is about to burn all the medicine. Because it’s God’s will that these people die. Or something.

Really? A born again reverend? By this I mean a reverend who is born again WHILE being a reverend? WTF?

Big Jim and Barbie take all the medicine back to the clinic, but by then Sheriff Linda’s third grade teacher has died because she sacrificed herself so that Linda could get the last dose of antibiotic. Linda, of course, recovers.

All the people in the clinic’s waiting room are getting antsy and move to rush the doors. Junior fires a warning shot into the ceiling with his shotgun but then Linda appears before Junior can actually shoot people (I’m sure Junior’s disappointed at being thwarted like that). Instead, he starts telling random stories about various residents and says he’s one of them and they all have to fight this together. Then he puts down the shotgun and leaves. And the people calm down.

And Linda tells Big Jim about what a hero Junior is, and Big Jim asks if he’d reconsider a career in law enforcement. Cue ominous music (no, for real, the scene actually did cue the ominous music).

Meanwhile, I’m going WHAT. THE. HELL.

Barbie, who’s now back from the antibiotic run, corners Phil (which really isn’t that hard, since the guy’s in a wheelchair with an IV) and asks where Julia is. Phil says he doesn’t know, but Barbie gets all tough guy on him. Because apparently the sick dude with the IV is going to lie? I don’t know. Anyway. Phil explains that Peter had been asking about hit men before selling Phil his car. Phil apparently told Peter to take the cash and run and start over someplace else. So I guess Barbie isn’t going to get the money. (I don’t actually know if he did get the money from Peter…) Phil isn’t sure how much of this he told Julia, so Barbie asks Junior where Julia is. Junior tells him about mentioning the cabin, which makes Barbie get all panicky in that Barbie way of his, and demands the keys to Junior’s truck.

He discovers Julia passed out at the cabin. Because Julia did find the cabin, and because she’s gone all snoopy reporter on us, she found some documents that were apparently so shocking they made her pass out. (Kidding. The documents may have been shocking, but I’m pretty sure the meningitis made her pass out.)

Julia comes to, confronts Barbie about Peter, blah blah blah. Turns out he’s an enforcer for a bookie and he’d come to Chester’s Mill to collect from Peter (and possibly from Phil, I never got that part). Julia’s all “But my husband would NEVER gamble!” even though apparently Peter drained their bank accounts and their house is in foreclosure. Barbie’s all, “Wanna bet?” and produces a voicemail of Peter. And then he lies and tells Julia that Peter must’ve taken off somewhere to start over because he got in too deep. And then Julia’s all “I let you stay in my house! Your sorry means nothing to me! Get out of my house!” (And I’m going, “Ugh, seriously? SERIOUSLY?”)

Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Norrie and Joe have decided to find out if the two of them touching sets off their simultaneous seizures. So they set up an experiment. Someone set up a phone to record on video, and they touch. For a moment nothing happens, and then they fall to the floor. In a seizure. Afterward, when they look at the video playback, we see Joe sit up MID-SEIZURE and say “Shhh” to the camera. What the hell?!

So yay, everyone’s saved (well, except for Linda’s old teacher) and the meningitis outbreak is over! After only a couple of hours! Yay super doctor Alice! Joe and Norrie lie about having another seizure (because I don’t know), and Joe offers his house to Alice, Carolyn, and Norrie. Because both his parents are outside the dome, and his sister Angie is trapped in Junior’s house of underground horrors.

In a serious lapse in judgement, Linda deputizes Junior, which cues the ominous music again (OMG you’re all GOING TO DIE).

Big Jim goes home and finds the reverend on his porch. The reverend, now that’s he’s born again and all, returns the Propane Plot money to Big Jim and tells Jim to keep the propane. (Honestly what the HELL is up with that propane?) Big Jim goes inside to get a glass of water from the sink and hears Angie screaming.

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From his tap. At the kitchen sink.

Yeah, I’d be a little weirded out, too.

Big Jim follows the screaming to the bunker (even though you can’t hear it outside, so I don’t know). He goes inside the bunker and finds it filling with water. He also discovers Angie chained to the bed. Inside the bunker.

Dun dun dun…

Come back next week, when I make fun of the people under the dome again.

Under the Dome airs on CBS on Monday nights.

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